Morning G,
Im glad my post was of some value. It's helpful when others have been there.
When I left I was burned out and hurt and resentful at my treatment. Having been in management though I knew that the people responsible would never hear or understand my feelings and that my resignation email would simply be sent to HR for records and IT to have my acounts and access closed. A simple set of administration. There would be no soul searching by any of the protagonists. There would be no resolution or real closure.
The 15 odd years since as given me a lot of perspective. The workload and lack of support and internecine conflict were just symptoms of poor management, human nature and a challenging, under-resourced environment. Too much work and stress and I'd had my buttons pressed and then I pressed their buttons and it escalated.
I since realised that my fears and doubts and anger and frustration were responses I'd had. They hadn't actually put any of those inside me. I'd lacked the resources and support to deal with the seemingly impossible workload they'd given me. Other more mature staff I subsequently realised simply refused to accept or take on work that was excessive. They also didn't take things as personally as i did. They were assertive and realistic and were able to say no. I didn't have those skills at that point.
I simply wrote that i resign effective today. I felt so worthless and like a failure so at the same time as well as being angry at them I was furious at myself for having "failed" them. They couldn't hear my truth so why bother trying to tell them anything they couldn't/wouldn't hear? It wouldn't change anything. I figured they'd let all this happen because they hated me.I reasoned that I was unworthy and would just disappear.
I don't know the specifics of your workplace but ultimately it comes down to our responses I find. Those of us with a more anxious disposition are going to feel things more accutely and suffer more than others but for me a light bulb went off over my head one day and i realised Im responsible for my thoughts, words and deeds and whilst thats scary it's also empowering. No one can "make" me feel or do anything. That means Im in charge rather than at the whim of others. I also connected with the concept of fear and how it was my main motivator. Everything I did was because i feared not doing it. That was in my work, relationships and my self talk. Addressing that has really changed my life.
But leaving that toxic work environment was the start and I wish I'd done it much sooner. Took a while though and i found the volunteering really helped.
I volunteered at several places which got me out of the house, kept Centrelink off my back and gave me purpose. The things I was doing were 5% of my capacity yet the gratitude and the ability to use my own initiative and the sense of achievment really led me to enjoy going to these places and pretty soon i was more plugged in to what I could do and how useful i was rather than to the old negatives Id felt about myself. it also meant I didnt have huge gaps in my CV and the places id volunteered were so grateful for my help that i got glowing references when i did start applying for jobs. I renewed myself and recreated who i was, how I treated others and how i chose to be treated and began my next job with that mindset.
As far as you feeling crushed and useless, you're neither 😉 It may feel like it but it doesn't make it factual. I can guarantee you there are places and situations where you'd be invaluable and very welcomed. You can and will find a way to navigate through this and be in a happier, better place once you really connect with deserving to. We all deserve to be happy. How much of our energy do we put into being that way?
Cheers,
NC
