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SOS

DazzlerCasual Contributor18 Apr 2015, 6:36 pm AEST

SOS

Hi everyone

I'm new and I want to ask the members of the forum whats the best way to get started on a treatment program. I don't have an official diagnosis of a MI but I am the adult child of an alcoholic parent and am also an adopted child. I've been through bouts of depression and addictions over the years, long term unemployment and self harm pretty much daily. I'm in a relationship which is co-dependent and I'm going through insecurity issues where I need constant re-assurance and it's exhausting for my partner and she's crying and missing work because she's so worried and upset. It never happens with friends but as soon as intimacy or feelings are involved I turn into a different person.

I'm friendly and loving most of the time and I've got heaps of friends, but when I feel insecure or jealous my behaviour isn't very nice and I show explosive, innapropriate rage over little things, punch doors, smash phones and other stuff, I emotionally manipulate her into staying and caring for me which she'd do anyway but I still get jealous if her phone rings or she has to talk to someone else. She's my best friend and I feel remorse and guilty and spend all my time apologising and promising i wont do it again but i can't stop it. We end up crying all night and I'm starting to hate myself for psychologically draining her.

So my question is: is all this behaviour just coping mechanisms that children with alcoholic, violent parents learn to get attention and love? As in manipulating others for affection or security? Is it a self-esteem thing and I'm still using coping tools from childhood when they're no longer working?

Is it all from the side effects of growing up with violence and alcohol and suicide threats and abandonment issues etc?

Or am I legitimately unwell and need a psychiatrist and medication and treatment? Is it Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissism or Bi-polar or am I just a mean person because I was hurt so badly by people close to me and now I'm perpetuating all that hurt and abuse onto others?

Where do I go to find out?

I'll happily take any advice about therapy groups, books, treatment, medications etc because I'm going crazy and the only way I can think of coping is to start drinking to numb the feelings. I'm so sad all the time and anxious about losing her, then the next minute I'm in a rage and breaking all my stuff.

So anyway.. thanks for reading and I hope you're having a nice weekend.

4 replies

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In response to: SOS

kristinSenior Contributor18 Apr 2015, 9:02 pm AEST

Re: SOS

Dear @Dazzler

A very warm welcome to the forum! Thanks for your honest and open post, and for finding the courage to join the conversation.

I'm trying to combat a migraine, and I need to go sleep it off. So I will keep it pretty short. Apologies if the spelling is crook 🙂

You ask whether this behavioral stuff is due to poor coping mechanisms and dysfunctional learned behaviour due to your own upbringing, or do you really have a mental illness? To be honest if you suffered childhood trauma then the answer is most probably "both". So please get some help with this. It must be horrible for you and your partner. To be honest what little you describe fits a domestic violence profile. You don't sound like someone who wants to behave that way, so you need to get some serious help to change. If you have a GP you can trust that would be a good place to start. If you know of anyone who is or has been in therapy ask them if they know of a good therapist.

As for diagnosis, you can read up and do some self-tests on the Black Dog website. Some things are very complex and sometimes you can have more than one MI (called co-morbidity), so having a capable and compassionate therapist is really important in helping work this out.

You don't mention which state you are in. @Alessandra1992 speaks very highly of GROW which is a peer led support group.

A book I have been reading and found very helpful (both because it is practical and compassionate, though I don't agree with everything he says) is Legacy of the Heart:The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood by Wayne Muller. You might try it - don't be put off by the title. It's true there are advantages - gifts if you like from what we've been through - I'm also a survivor of CA. A life chager for me is The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck, though I find him a bit hard and lacking in compassion these days when I read it - much of it is very good.

Some of what you describe makes me think of another friend on the forum, kato - many of his posts are here .

Next time you start feeling like you are losing it you could try ringing somewhere like before you get to meltdown

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Take care and keep posting.

Hope for internal emotional stability endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: SOS

DazzlerCasual Contributor18 Apr 2015, 10:11 pm AEST

Re: SOS

Hi Kristin,

thanks for replying and sorry about your migraine. I appreciate your advice. I'm going to ask my GP on Monday where the best place to start is. I dont want to go on anti-depressants which is what my last GP prescribed because I want to change my behaviour, like the way I react to things and I'm hoping if there's no mental illness then things like Anger Management or group therapy for people with difficult childhoods might be the way forward for me. I'm really ashamed to read that this looks like domestic violence 😞 I've never pushed her or hit her and I never would in a million years but she told me she is scared of me when I flip out and thats a wake up call. Other people have said I'm unpredictable and they feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me in case they do something to make me angry and it will be a big disaster. I've never actually hit anyone or started a fight...I just get SO ANGRY I can't breath and I feel like I'm going to explode.

These problems only come up in relationships, when I start feeling insecure or jealous and scared my girl is going to leave me. Its definitely abandonment anxiety and that's why I'm hoping it's learned behaviour from childhood and something I can re-learn with treatment or psychotherapy. I'm willing to try hypnotherapy..NLP or anything to feel more in control of my emotions. My mum was a violent and really abusive alcoholic, and I can see that I deal with relationship issues the same way she did. I dont understand how I can feel so much love and friendship and a such a deep connection to someone who is honestly just a beautiful, kind person who adores me and dotes on me but the next minute I'm suspicious she's lying to me or carrying on because she didnt reply to my text fast enough or something. I know i'm hurting her and my behaviour isnt acceptable so I'm seriously open to anyone's advice. I'm not a bad person I just need some help right now 😞

thanks again for the book reference too

In response to: SOS

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor19 Apr 2015, 6:46 pm AEST

Re: SOS

Hey @Dazzler
There are many groups available that can help you improve your mental health. Grow groups do not require a diagnosis, just a willingness to explore new ways of doing things in your life.. It is a 12 step program for mental health and transformed my mental health and my relationships..
There are also support groups for specific diagnoses like bipolar or anxiety as well as voices groups.
Walking on eggshells is tiring for everyone and I imagine being so volatile must also be exhausting for you..
Have a google online and read the free notices in your local newspaper for groups because trying something new looks like a reasonable path to try..
The other point to consider is that if you continue to relate with your partner the way you have been, well it's not really sustainable. Either she will leave or you will..
And that doesn't sound like the loving relationship of equals that you are looking to build...
Be kinder to yourself and kinder to her... You can change how you choose to process your feelings and you can build new ways of relating with people...for me, it was and still is, extremely helpful to ask my grow peers for their advice and then report back how it worked for me...and practising different ways of relating with my peers really transformed some very very difficult family relationships..

Good luck...try a different path 🙂

In response to: Re: SOS

DazzlerCasual Contributor20 Apr 2015, 3:12 pm AEST

Re: SOS

Hi Alessandra,

cheers for your advice. I've done some googling and found the contact number for GROW in my state so I'm going to give them a call and see if I can join a group. I attended a group therapy course once ages ago for the same issue in another relationship but I didnt finish the course as the relationship ended and with it went all the frustration and volatile behaviour. Clearly it's going to be an issue for me in every relationship though so I need to learn some better ways to process things. Even acknowledging that there's some issues here and having your input makes me feel like there's hope yet.

I'm glad you found some better ways to relate to your family. That's something I guess I'll need to go into eventually and I've been putting it off for so long because it hurts to bring it up (I get panic attacks)

Thank you again for giving me some advice and somewhere to start. I was almost at the end of my rope on the weekend so i appreciate the advice.

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