Hi @Maree
A warm welcome to the forums! Wow do I recognise what you are talking about. That was a very short description of how my mum and my former partner behaved, and to be honest probably me many years ago before I started working hard on growing into someone I could respect and like. Sounds a bit like my sister too. Hmm yes we all have bipolar, no it's not an excuse for treating others badly.
Yes there is a genetic component, but it is thought to possibly be triggered into expression by trauma. Anyway here is a link about bipolar from the Black Dog Intitute. I should also mention that mania is not necessarily buying Porsches and thinking you're superman; it can mean feeling incredibly well, that you can achieve anything you set your mind to, and having loads of energy and needing very little sleep.
I self-diagnosed my own bipolar, having had it for at least 30 years and always thought those manic times were when I was well 🙂 - so I never mentioned them to my therapists. When I did go and say "here's the whole history and this is what I think" my psych said yep, type 1. That was only a few years ago. Up until then I'd had diagnoses of severe and chronic depression (since 16), adult ADHD in my early 40s, PTSD in my late 40s, now I'm in my 50s and the shoe fits. It has given me some much better handles on my mental health.
So about your question: well I also have a strong faith. It kept me hanging in there trying to care for my former partner, even after I split up with him, in part because I care about him as a person and in part for my 6yo's sake (he's her dad). I have learned to be very gracious, but the reality is that he was emotionally abusive, negative in the extreme (can't even say "I agree with you", instead says " I don't disagree with you"), and takes no responsibility for his behaviour. We are asked to be gracious, not doormats. Being a doormat enables people to treat us badly, unwittingly giving the message that it's ok. So I stopped being a doormat and started politely and firmly setting boundaries about how I wanted to be spoken to and treated, and what was (&was not) ok behaviour around our daughter.
Only you can decide whether it is time to walk away. I would encourage you to try working out what is important to you in terms of how you are treated/spoken to. And then ask for it, politely and unapologetically. If this is too much to ask of them I guess that's an answer in itself really.
Bipolar is an illness and it is very difficult to live with, but that doesn't mean it's ok to treat others badly. We are still responsible for our own behaviour. I used to make excuses for my ex, telling myself that it was "his illness talking" when he said something particularly excruciating. When I stopped making excuses for him it made a big difference, to both of us. He did get a bit more respectful, but in the end I had to get him out of my house.
I think what Sandy & Anne (ja47yo) have said is very valid. Clothes are not my thing really either. But feeling good about ourselves can be helped in all sorts of ways. Setting appropriate boundaries and doing things which we enjoy are important steps on the way. I wish you the blessing of good journeying. When it looks darkest ask to be shown the grace in the midst of it. Don't expect it to look any particular way - for example like roses, because then you might miss the tiny mushrooms in the compost 🙂 !
Hope for a journey of self-discovery endures...
Kindest regards,
Kristin
