Anger Management issues

While I don't get angry, I don't have a natural filter between my brain and mouth. I'm prone to word-vomit and my bluntness can be hurtful. And I like to be right. For me, becoming aware of that was the first step, and now it's something that I actively work on. And I can honestly say that I'm much better about it than I was years ago.

I practice mindfulness and active listening. I realised that I was internally judging the other speaker's words and composing my response before the other person even finished talking. Stopping my inner chatter and really listening to others fully was the first step.

And then, pause. Normally, I'd open my mouth and see what fell out. Instead, I started thinking about words and becoming more careful about my word choice. It meant I responded more slowly, but that's okay. It shows you're taking the time to listen and craft a thoughtful response.

I still like to be right, but I frame arguments differently than I used to and I divorce them from their speakers to just focus on what's being said without making the person feel wrong or stupid.

It's a process, @Donny.

If only it were that simple. 🙂 A lack of argumentation is a lack of expression of one's opinion.

Thanks for replying though!

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@Peppermint wrote:

While I don't get angry, I don't have a natural filter between my brain and mouth. I'm prone to word-vomit and my bluntness can be hurtful. And I like to be right. For me, becoming aware of that was the first step, and now it's something that I actively work on. And I can honestly say that I'm much better about it than I was years ago.

I practice mindfulness and active listening. I realised that I was internally judging the other speaker's words and composing my response before the other person even finished talking. Stopping my inner chatter and really listening to others fully was the first step.

And then, pause. Normally, I'd open my mouth and see what fell out. Instead, I started thinking about words and becoming more careful about my word choice. It meant I responded more slowly, but that's okay. It shows you're taking the time to listen and craft a thoughtful response.

I still like to be right, but I frame arguments differently than I used to and I divorce them from their speakers to just focus on what's being said without making the person feel wrong or stupid.

It's a process, @Donny.

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That's actually quite an accurate description of what I have to deal with as well!

Thanks for sharing your ways of dealing with it. I'm constantly thinking when other people speak, never letting them finish and sometimes plainly interrupting them out of annoyance.

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it very much.

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@Alessandra1992 wrote:
Hey @Donny
This is something I have struggled with over the years. Being right was always important to me but over the years through attending grow, one particular sentence has pulled me up many times
"If you're in the wrong you can't afford to lose your temper, and if you're right you can afford to keep it."

I am a fairly verbal person and a bit of a quick thinker, so my group challenged me to stop, and question my own motives.. If I happen to be right then I don't need to lose my temper and if I am wrong, then I still don't need to lose my temper..

Sort of allowed me to see other points of view, to not get caught up in the trap of having to prove myself right or others wrong..

And eventually, if I have a strong reaction to someone, well it gives me time to pause.. Because sometimes we can be snapped into a volatile headspace by someone else through no fault of their own..a tone of voice or a quirk can send me into a flashback as it reminds me of bad stuff someone else caused...but the person in front of me has no idea that they may be causing a sensory overload.. And if I take the sentence on board..I can choose to not speak, just take myself to the bathroom and breathe through it...

Nowadays I still get angry but I keep trying to assess am I reacting? Overreacting? Shutting my mouth is often a wise course for me, silence can also speak volumes...

And I do find that anger can be the flip side of depression...and I can still make choices over how I express myself. I suppose I would rather be community building than the opposite..a whirlwind spitfire... Also being angry is very physically draining..

Rambling so signing off but pretty sure many of us have struggled with anger, and sometimes we should be angry and assertive about our rights, but not aggressive...

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Besides the flashback moment, your reply is also one of the ways I function.

I've recently been trying to silent reply technique for the past couple of days and it actually helps out a lot. Not only does it prevent you from getting annoyed at people by removing the possibility of them contradicting what you will say, but it allows you to take a breathe and think. I'm glad you've reassured me that this is an actual possibility.

Also, the sentence you mentioned is actually going to help me out a lot. I work well with simple meanings that I fully understand. However, there are moments where I won't be able to use it: I forgot to mention that I get annoyed and eventually angry when someone tells me to do something I'm already planning on doing or something that I already know, for example. I believe it has something to do with me thinking that they take me for a fool or are challenging me. I'm not sure, but it definitely feels like it could be that.

Thanks for your reply. It means a lot! 🙂

Hi Donny

My flatmate is a paranoid schizophrenic and he does exactly how you describe. I used to take it to heart and get quite upset when he would interrupt and get angry with some of the things he said.

Now it doesn't worry me much because I know he is trying to amend his behaviour and I give him a lot of credit for that.

He did go to some anger management therapy but it didn't help him much as the schizophrenia makes it difficult sometimes for him to remember and think logically.

He is such a good friend to me so I cut him as much slack as he needs. Maybe friends are very understanding of our idiosyncrasies and value our friendships even with our quirks.

You seem to have plenty of insight into what concerns you and that's a good start. The hard thing is to find a method to modify the behaviour that worries you.

Its easy for people to say stay calm and adopt a lot of different strategies to help you out but my experience is that saying it and doing it are very different.

I guess some people can view others in a quite critical light when they don't understand what is happening.

So for myself and him, by the way, we make sure we tell people about our MI and some of the things that they might encounter because of it. That's the first part, educating people.

Both he and I try to be nice to people really hard and that approach seems to brings some calming influence to as both.

My flatmate has some recording done of his conversations with people, and listening to that afterwards gave him some idea as to why some might take offense at the way he conversed with them.

Of course, good debate is about taking a certain position and defending vigorously within the context of the tensions of a conversation but within the norms of acceptable behaviour.

I try not to be critical of people just as I expect them not to be critical of me and that's a good place to start out.

Sandy has given you suggestions which I hope you might give some consideration in adopting.