Hello Loulathecat

Unfortunately last time I saw a psychologist about trying to deal with the trauma of my past I found myself on top of a bridge with very unpleasant thoughts and numerous other dangerous situations. So both my doctor and psychologist are very scared about me delving in at the moment. Something I know I will have to face if I want to go forward in life but something I'm not going to face till I feel at all ready and probably by then my eggs will be only for decoration.

I'm at the moment reading a book about a lady with a husband and children who has bipolar. Reading it I feel like for parts I'm reading my own life. Her kids also turned out successful and with out bipolar but it doesn't mean they didn't have to deal with bipolar.

To me this world is already hard there is already obstacles in everyone's way. If I chose to bring children into the world I want home life not be a obstacle. I don't want them to have to worry about mum. I want them to be a kid as long as possible with out having to care of watch out for me. I was a carer of my family from a young age and I grew up so fast. I don't want that for my unborn kids.

I know it's possible to raise a family with bipolar but I me personally can't deal with the cost. Me personally I dont want anyone's life to be effected by my illness even if they turn out great. I just want my kids to grow up in a steady house. I know no house is perfect but I want it steady and I know I can not provide that at all.

I'm glad though you found the courage to have children and have those great beautiful lives in your life but my thought process is different from yours. Thank you so much for trying to show me it's possible though.

This came up in my newsfeed on FB from Humans of New York. Maybe it's a sign

“I was thirteen when my mother started to change. My parents had just gotten divorced. My mother should have been sad but she kept going out to dance. Sometimes she’d stay out all night. She became very talkative and had a hard time concentrating. She’d say that she wanted to sell everything and travel the world. Then she got depressed. She stayed in her room. She gained a lot of weight. I actually preferred the depression, because at least then she’d stay at home. The manic phases got worse and worse. They are so bad now that she has to go to the clinic. Then the depression will come again and she can’t stop crying. Last October she returned to her normal self. It lasted about a week. I didn’t leave her side. We took walks every day. I always tell her that she gave us the best childhood. She was always there for us. She made crafts with us. She taught me how to cook. She would even throw birthday parties for my toys. I still think I’m very lucky. I hate seeing her like this, but she’s still the best mom in the world.”

(Montevideo, Uruguay)