Bipolar- Denial

Hi Ant1,

I have had the same issue with my ex boyfirend. He was not medicated and refused to believe he had Bipolar. He went on a manic episode in late September until the beginning of January. It was hell so I broke up with him during this time. But I can relate to what you said about your partner constantly talking and talking. My partner had/has big trouble listening and responding accordingly he just goes on and on and on and jumps from one subject to another. It is exausting to listen to him. I think setting boundaries and having time for yourself is definitely the way to go. For me, it's easy, when we talk on the phone, if I feel like he is just talking at me rather then with me then I just say I have to go and hang up. I feel that if they don't want to help themselves then we cannot do anything about it. You can be patient and wait until they are ready to get the help needed or you have to focus on yourself and think what is best for you. It is the harderst thing to see someone you love not reach their full potential because they are holding themselves back. But for me, I just realised that I was not going to be held back from my potential because of them. I'm not saying you have to divorce your wife, but I think you could benefit from doing things for yourself. Spend time with friends, or watching your favourite TV show or just spending time by yourself. Find something you love outside of the relationship and give yourself time to enjoy that. I hope that helps, and know that you are not alone 🙂

Hi OzBra,

Thanks for replying and the support..

I am sorry it did not work out with your boyfriend. and hope everything is now working out for you.

I think with me the hardest thing is I know that I have to focus on myself and get some "me" time but the repetative nature of my wife's talking and her blaming me for allowing "The system to treat her so inhumane" drains me so much that I don't have the energy to do much else. When not working I try to watch some TV etc but knowing that she may begin "talking" at anytime is always on my mind.

The short time she was on the appropiate medication was such a vast change to how things are now

I know she will never seek help,which at times makes me angry and feel utterly powerless.

If I ever mention it even in passing she just gets upset with the whole family.

There are times when we go out that things are wonderful as we have a lot in common and that is why I love her so much.

Hi @Ant1

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I saw your post a short time ago and didn't have time to respond.

I completely understand the frustration. It's like you and your wife are looking at the same thing, but seeing completely different things - and it's hard for both of you to see each other's perspectives because they are SO completely different.

It sounds like if you tried to discuss, from a loving place, how well intentioned you are, how you want her to be well and that the best you have seen her is on these certain meds, she will get defensive.

Have you ever gone to a couples counselling session before - ie: gone to a psychologist together to discuss you relationship?

I know you mentioned she won't seek help, but this is help for both of you.

While you may not be able to stop her beliefs about the inhumane way she's been treated and the way she continues to go on & on about it, you may be able to work with the psychologist to come to some compromises and boundaries, which means you get some peace and quiet to rechrage.

If you said this was something you wanted help with, and made it about you & not her, would she be more responsive?

Hi Eagle

Unfortunately my partner would not go along to a joint session to see a psychologist or councillor for that matter. I have mentioned this several times but due to the fact that she believes she has been labeled with "an imaginary illness" she will not see a Psychatrist as they only want to "pill her up" as they "are using her as a "guinea pig" for "big pharmacutical companies" Although she agreeded to see a psychologist a few years back,she stopped after a few sessions when she felt it was focusing "On things she did not want to discuss".

I cannot mention about her getting any type of help as she will just get angry with me and it will trigger another long speach about "the past and the system and the fact she has nothing wrong with her"

More often or not this will go on all day,more often or not for days on end.

I try to set boundries but more often or not she will stop talking but begin again after a few minutes.

She can get quite vocal and our children have said they have heard her yelling at me from down the street.

I am well aware that due to the fact that is is not a harm to herself or others, I can do nothing.The one time she got assessed at home she was calm as anything when they arrived but as soon as the nurse left she started up again and said even she knew what to say to make them believe her.

She can go from just laying on the bed and be very depressed to laughing about nothing but blames this on not having a job and being held back/suppressed by the system.

I do see my GP to tell him how I feel and try to look after myself but am finding myself getting more stressed and anxious as time goes by.

Hi @Ant1

By your response, it seems like the only person you can control the actions of is yourself, which you kind of mentioned in your second post.

You have to make yourself a priority.

I noticed you said that you try and set boundaries and more often than not she will just over step them. The purpose of boundaries however, is that they are a line in the sand that you have created, therefore you have to act upon.

Boundaries are also for yourself, to keep yourself in-check and accountable. Like you mentioned earlier - making yourself a priority. So you might look at enforcing an 'hour to yourself' boundary, where you don't make excuses and follow through on that commitment to yourself.

Could you ask your GP to get a referral to a psychologist? Not only will they be able to be a sounding board, but they could also give you some strategies around managing boundaries.

In my experience, sharing with the person you care for, that you are going to a psychologist normalises help seeking and sets an example.

So a win-win, perhaps?

Hi ivana

I understand what you are saying and agree with what you are saying.

I have never thought of my wife as someone with "a condition"

I respect the fact that she believes that the Dr's misdiagnosed her when she was young (from what she has told me it was a very frightning time).A few years ago under a Dr's supervision she came off all her medication unfortunately this lead to hospitalization. Despite that if she choose to once again not take anything I would tell her that she should at least speak to a Dr before taking that action but it is her decision.

I do not think being labeled as Bi-polar or another tag is important. All people should be treated with respect and understanding regardless.

I met my wife over 30 years ago and we have bought up a family together and we have stood together through some hardtimes and goodtimes.

It was challenging when the children as they asked me why their Mum was different to other Mum's

My wife did not want them to know anything about her health, I told them what I could without breaching her wishes, this lead to my daughter seeing a councillor in her late teens as she was confused by her mum's actions. Finally my wife allowed me to speak to the kids but it was not until they were in their late teens.

By previous experence it seems my wife needs some type of medication to stay healthy

but at the moment it seems to me that what she takes now by itself is ineffective. However she believes she is "well"

I cannot even discuss her health with her as it leads to her getting frustrated//angry about "the past, Dr's the government etc.

I am frustrated you are right, but it more frustration that I am not equipped to help/advise without provoking her,maybe if she would see a profession health provider it could help,but as I said before she will not see anyone, due to a total distrust in the mental health system.

Regardless I listen to her "rant" (not a nice word but it does convey the action)

Some of what she says is wrong ( I was there when the events happened) but all of our memories change as time goes by.

All I wish is for my wife and I to be happy regardless of "labels etc"

Sometimes this has an effect on my health as boundries are crossed and some of the words she speaks hurt.

I have told her on many occasions If she crosses boundries but that is rebuked and turned around

Despite this I will support her with her decisions and be there for her.

Hi ivana

First thing I would like to say thanks to everyone who has offered advice and opinions about my post.

I really appreciate the feedback.

ivana,

In regard to your questions it comes back to the title of my post.

My wife believes that she has nothing wrong with her. She will say she is "Bipolar" to any medical person but she tells them that "because it is what they want to hear".

When she is talking about the past she states that all she ever needed when she was younger was to speak to a councillor and not a psychiatrist as quote "They are only interested in shoving pills in my gob" and now it is too late, quote "I don't need to speak to anyone now, it’s the past and no one can help me with the past"

Despite this she did go to a few support groups 10 years ago.

At home it is like walking on eggshells, when she is "ranting" about the same issues if I say "would seeing a councillor now help?" It will set off a tirade of

"What type of husband are you? Supporting THOSE people I don’t need to speak to ANYONE, why do you support a system that wants me DOPED up, you DON"T understand me"

She is 100% against seeing anyone as she believes has no mental health issues. However in the same sentence she says she will see her GP about her mental health (she sees two GP'S about the same thing and switches between the two. They are at different clinics)

When she says "mental health issues" she has told me that it is to manage the one medication that she only takes "because if she stops taking it is against the law" (I thinks she means the "Mental Health Service")

She firmly believes that she is on a high dose to keep her "suppressed" by the system

One of the GP's she calls the family Dr so she started seeing the other Dr and specifically made a point that no one from "The family" (including me) is to be involved in her health. She told me the other day that this Dr has agreed to lower her dose? (She has blood tests for the level) (she gets the tests duplicated by both Dr's).

I listen everyday (for hours at a time) when she tells me about how she has/is treated by the system but if I say anything or offer advice I am told "I don’t understand".

3 years ago she had a hysterectomy (a tough experience for anyone to have to go through)

Looking back I think that is when her life began to turn.

She quit her job which was a government related full time job of 8 years "due to issues with other staff" despite them offering her help (she went on 6 months sick leave) after having 3 meetings with her boss (all of which she walked out of) they suggested she see the company Dr. Instead of the transfer that she requested they offered her "psychiatric counselling" and a mentor to help her return to work. Once again she walked out of the meeting. Despite this the company offered her leave without pay. At this point all she kept telling me was "why don't they leave me alone I've quit". I explained that she would have to put it in writing initially she refused but after a week .This really was the turning point, she quit her medication after our GP suggested additional medication. (At least she told the GP's she was going down this path)

Sadly she ended up in hospital involuntarily where she agreed to take her medication they suggested that she take other medication but refused, On the basis that all "psychotic medications are toxic to her body"

After leaving hospital she went into a program for a few weeks but left when they said there was limited space for her to continue.

She continued to see a psychiatrist who persuaded her to give an addition "new medication" a try.

The result was fantastic.

Her persona changed she stopped talking about the past joined a fitness group and even thanked the psychiatrist saying she realized that she needed the new medication,

After six or eight weeks I came home from work and she said to me that she was not happy as she had been on the internet and said that the medication was used for patients with schizophrenia.

(It also said that it was used for bipolar but she told me to shut up when I mentioned that.)

The next day she said she was getting stomach convulsions due to the toxicity of the medication and stopped taking the new medication. (She stopped cold turkey and refused to at least talk to the psychiatrist.

Her next appointment with the psychiatrist did not go well (with my wife’s consent the psychiatrist invited me into the room) My wife told the psychiatrist that she was suffering serve side effects to which she was offered other ways to administer the medication or even try others. My wife refused (Which is her rite).

The next appointment she would not attended and eventually the psychiatrist phoned and said they would not be offering her any more appointments.

During the following months she complained of stomach convulsions and toxic effects to her body After numerous Dr's and two different hospital visits (they found nothing wrong with her) They put it down to "irritable bowel syndrome" Her convulsions where very physical and I was worried but I was told by a Doctor that they were psychological.

Since then she has been visited by a community nurse and has been assessed twice (once in hospital and once at home)

On one occasion she was laying down convulsing on the couch and talking about the past but when I invited the nurse in, immediately she stopped convulsing and explained away how she was feeling and she just had an infection. (True)

After they left her stomach started convulsing again, she lay down and just stared into space. After a while she got angry that "they" were worrying too much. And everybody was panicking about her.

The guilt and stress that i felt on even asking for someone to see her was terrible and realising she was "masking" made me want to tell the nurse what was really happening but I had to deal with that in silence.

My wife does attend a group for a few hours a couple of days a week but she does not want to even do that. She believes that she is has to go, otherwise “they” will make it harder for her to get work.

So now she is socially isolated and upset and asks me almost every day “Why do they want me like this? Why are they/you doing this to me and why won’t anyone help me get work? Because I only want a job? After then it back to talking about what everyone has done/is doing to her.

A few weeks ago I decided we both needed a break so I arranged for a few nights away in the country. We had a great time and I saw a glimmer of my wife relaxed and happy.

I wish I could help her but realise that she must help herself

I love her so much and want her to be at peace with herself, she deserves to be happy after a pretty lousy childhood. I will always be there for her regardless of what happens in the future