sabotage (may trigger)

Dear getbetter,

I, too, have had thoughts of suicide since I was 15. I still have them now (I am now 63 and have bi-polar disorder). Over the years Ihave learned that thoughts are just thoughts. You might have thoughts of strangling your boss, but would you do it? Thoughts of suicide usually come about when we have been through a bad experience or our mood is not properly under control. They are signs that all is not well. The best thing to do is work out why things are not well and get yourself out of that situation. Your greatest ally is your health care professonal (GP, psychiatrist whatever). When you start thinking about suicide you may need to talk to a health professional and have a really good talk about what is going through your mind. I don't know if you are on medication, but your medication might need to be slightly adjusted.

In my experience thoughts of suicide, without a plan and the means in place, do not lead to suidide. What they are is a warning sign that we need to examine our situation b ecause something is not quite right. If you find yourself making concrete plans for suicide (working out how you would do it and getting ready to put the plan in place) then you need to call a Helpline IMMEDIATELY.

I have survived to the age of 63 and I am still here. Whenever I start to get suicidal thoughts I talk to my psychiatrist and the feeling passes. Just thinking of suicide doesn't mean that you will end up committing suicide. It is just your mind telling you that you have had enough and need someone qualified to talk to to help you in your situation in life.

If you don't have a healthcare professional call your GP today - your GP may be able to help you, or may refer you on to a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist. I am glad you posted on this forum, because there are many people here who will sympthise and support you. Keep posting!
Ellu.

Hi there @getbetter

This is a really interesting thread you have started and ofcourse it would be extremely important to talk about this preoccupation with suicide with your psychologist, it almost seems like you are talking about self-defeating habits, do you know much about them at all?

It's almost like focusing on things that are not achievable means you will be unsuccessful which will make you feel like a failure, but if you set yourself achievable goals that are less idealistic and more realistic then you will achieve them and have a feeling of success and control and a more positive view on your life.

So I guess with thinking that if things are tough you will end it, which in reality everyone experiences tough times in all different ways in their lives so there is a really high chance you will experience that, it's unrealistic to not go through tough times no matter what kind of a life you have.

So you may be sabotaging that goal already by making it unachievable and then contuining that cycle of negative thoughts and suicide which is the self defeating habit... Does that make sense at all, I think you are already aware of that as you mentioned self sabotage which to me sounds similar.

I hope you are okay though and if you do feel suicidal please contact Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 as it's important to talk about those thoughts if you do feel like acting on them.

Lunar

Hello Ellu

Thanks for your help, my friend and I talked over it last night and he says similar to you, that thinking about bad things that may happen is a waste of energy, deal with them if they do happen, I also often say to myself there are many that are in a far worse situation than me and they manage much better than me, i have a roof, (my mums) and could be under a bridge somewhere the suicidal thoughts with me don't give me much of a break these days and one reason would be because I am not working and start rumminating, I have tried some projects like making furniture but run out of energy and motivation, talking with others,face to face that have similar issues does help provide a distraction and I wish we had a support group here for that, but it seems those things are a distraction and the morbid thoughts come back pretty soon, I do have good psychiatrist and medication but it is difficult to get a lot of conversation in to the appointment, I have been reading articles on self sabotage and certainly think I have done that to a point of making things difficult. something that adds to my bad thoughts is the thought of my mum dieing because she is getting on and my dad died suddenly last year, its hard to say that may not happen because at some stage it is going to happen. these thoughts rumination and self sabotage add up to a bad place, I woke up this morning saying " just give yourself a break from it today, no bad things are going to happen today, but it has not worked that well , it is not at a high level though. one of the things to do is distraction but years ago I did that with gambling , distracted me very well, took my money very well leading to bankruptcy, and I have also sabotaged very good jobs I have had thats also where I start thinking about self sabotage, because I am preoccupied with suicide , does as some say , ask and the universe will provide, richard fynmen physisist once said every man is born with a key to heaven in his pocket, that same key also opens the gates of hell,