How do we find some common ground as a base for negotiating safe behaviour.

Hi @Eudynamys, and welcome to the forums 🌷. It takes courage to share your experiences with the community, and I'm really glad you have this space to talk about what's going on with your daughter and the grandchildren you have partial custody of.

I hear that you've tried to have those respectful conversations and negotiate boundaries, but she hasn't approached them with the same perspective, and also has refused third party mediation. So you've been left in a really tough spot of wanting to give her and her oldest kids some contact time, but also needing to protect your grandchildren and look after their wellbeing. What you've shared in your post, and that you're still trying to find ways to find that common ground, really speaks to the love you have for all your family throughout these challenges.

During the later hours it might take a tinsy bit longer to hear from the rest of the community, as many have already gone to bed. But I'm sure that your fellow members will have insight and ideas to share with you 🌱! You could also take a look through this space and see if other members have posted something similar, and take a read of what has been shared in their comments too.

I'd also like to share a few different resources and places you can reach out to for some further support below:

• Relationships Australia - https://www.relationships.org.au/support/#Find-a-service
• Family Relationship Advice Line - https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/talk-someone/advice-line
• How to set boundaries with someone you love - https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/the-sane-blog/wellbeing/boundaries-for-carers

Hi@Eudynamys

So sorry to hear that your daughter is refusing any help. It is very infuriating when a loved one refuses help, they are hurting others around them and sabotaging themselves also. My grandparents took custody of me and my brother when we were children due to us feeling unsafe in our own homes and domestic violence. I am now 43 and have been diagnosed with Cptsd due to witnessing repeated DV and chaotic childhood.

What you have done for your grandchildren is wonderful and protecting them from any further trauma is vital. I wish I had that kind of support younger to process trauma I wouldn't have ended up with Cptsd.

My mother always refused help from my grandparents and now has ended up with schizophrenia. She brought this on herself and not protecting us kids from witnessing violence. They can be so selfish and have no idea how this will affect their own mental health and the kids.

Given that she is unwilling to change or get help I would focus on the children and their well- being. If I were in your position I would try to get counselling set up for them to process trauma and any child abuse so they lower their chances of developing mental health issues later on in life. Your daughter is an adult and unless she is a threat to herself or others nothing can be done unfortunately.

If you see her mentally struggling you could try calling the mental Healthline and they can come out and assess her.