Grieving over a life i could of had after separation

Hi @pinkrose-29

i can very much relate to grieving process after the end of a relationship. My marriage ended after 2 years and it’s been 9years now and I most definitely road the rollercoaster of emotions and all the stages of grieving. A really big one for me was we had one child, and I from when I was very young just wanted to be a mum. I really wanted more kids. That yearning and longer still hurts at times, but I have a beautiful daughter who keeps me going. She is the reason I keep fighting, the reason to get out of bed. She is 11 in 2 days. I’ve grieved the family dream, the chance to own a home, a career, extended family… so much.

it’s great that you are in counselling. That’s a good place to start. I started seeing a psychologist a couple of years after my marriage ended to specifically address and deal with my marriage breakdown, but my mental health spiraled significantly and I’ve never really recovered or dealt with anything.

i hope you can find an alternative for counselling and can get on top of it while you can.

I have been married two times with different men .The first husband was beloved by my family and no one wanted that divorce.The second husband turned out to be a total fraud.My life now is totally destroyed. And I don't know how I am supposed to get up and put myself back together. And being divorced by the second time. Every one believes you are the problem and most of the time I believe I am the problem. Dead and buried.

I hear how difficult things must be for you @Andy676 , especially when people say you are the problem etc.

The loss can be so hard to handle. Not just the loss of your husband, but loss of identify, loss of the life you wanted, and loss of hope.

You are not alone. There is a whole community to support you here.

What are things that keep you going? That is, things you enjoy or want to start pursuing?

Hi @Andy676 just wanted to say hi too and that just because you have been through 2 failed marriages it most certainly don’t make you the problem.

my mum has been married a number of times, twice a widow and divorced and she absolutely wasn’t the fault in any of them, if anything just the desire to be loved and cared for and my late step dad definitely loved and cared for her.

my ex turned out to be a fraud too. In the end I had no idea who he was. He had so many secrets. Lived a life I had no idea about. And like you I feel like my whole life has been destroyed. I know I need to change the way I think about it and see it, know I need to let go and forgive and forget, but everything that I deal with at the moment is because of what he did. Hard to address the root cause of all my issues when I’m constantly trying to put out fires and crises.

hope one day you are free from it all.

I totally relate, but I am now 6 years down the track. Same years of marriage, 2 boys. Post party depression. I literally used to howl like a wounded animal every time I drove alone in the car, and in the shower, with a feeling of being punched in the guts and that went on for a good couple of years, gradually reducing. In between, I diligently and lovingly kept raising my kids. Make the absolute most of time without the kids, even if that means sleeping extra, journalling and crying hard if you need to. Try to put your body in motion. I found walking meditations on a podcast that were helpful. Listen to other podcasts that feel empowering and positive to you. Decentering men, focus on self and living on your kids. Put encouraging quotes on post it's when you open cupboards etc. One other thing I would really encourage, is investigating your physical health, especially hormones and any medications you may be on. A particular contraceptive pill was making me much much worse and I am also certain I started perimenopause not long after I had my last baby. I worked out all the symptoms and eventually went to my GP and demanded HRT support. And ferritin, below 50 really impacts me. Hang in there. And no shame in other meds if needed. Time really does help. You're not alone.

Welcome to the forums @anonaquarian ,

Thank you so much for your supportive post. It was so helpful to read.

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums.