Self hatred

I'm having a bad day today. I had plans to go out with my daughter and granddaughter to help garden at my sisters place. I just couldn't find the willpower to get out of bed and felt so tired. I let my daughter know I wasn't having a good day so decided not to go. Which she understood and was fine with it. I just feel so lost and now wished I had of gone. I hate myself so much, I've been crying most of the afternoon. I hate that I still can't control my impulses and feel out of control and very depressed. I have an addictive personality that changes addictions. I start the journey of giving up one, only to take up another. Ive had addictions to nasel spray, weed, off the weed got addicted to a pain relief medication for 10 years. I'm one of the reasons you need a drs prescription to get that now. That was my worst addiction at the height of that addiction I was taking a lot of tablets a day. When you could buy the 72 packs. Swallowed multiple at a time and used to chemist shop to different areas to buy them [edited by moderator]. Even when the chemist would put your details in to buy them before they made them prescription only. None of the chemists computers are linked up so that didn't matter. I had to give them up due to an ulcer. I finally got off that and give it a couple of months and I'm drinking alcohol, that lasted about 6 years.[edited by moderator] I went back to weed too and have always smoked tobacco. I take my addictions to a high level when addicted to something. Alcohol I stopped 2 years ago because I got diverticulitis, so that helped give up the alcohol. I'm on my 3rd week of no weed or tobacco. But my latest addiction is just ridiculous. I'm now addicted to buying latch hook cushion covers that I do make. I've bought over 100 of them and am embarrassed and depressed about how much I've spent. I spent the rent money, which I hate myself more. Luckily my landlord is understanding atm and will let me catch that up. I just can't seem to stop myself. I obsess over it and my mind won't let it go until I've bought it. I've scammed temu a few times to get credit back so I can buy another one. I won't return any, that is not an option in my brain. Why am I like this? I hate myself so much because I know I'm doing the wrong thing but I won't stop myself. Even when I distract myself I'm still obsessing about it.

I hate my brain. I hate my addictive traits. I'm so over myself. People recommend reading, I used to love reading but that was when I was addicted to another pain medication and could focus on what I was reading [edited by moderator]. Now I can't seem to focus on anything other than useless obsessions.

I have a psychiatrist appointment with someone who says they'll help me get to the core of my addictions on the 28th of this month. I just hope he can guide me through this and I can finally get help. The date is just not coming quick enough and I know it's not going to be a magic wand appointment where I'll feel better straight away but I'm hopeful that it's a start. I've been depressed for most of my adult life and I'm hoping something will change within me. Something has to change.

Thanks for reading.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day and I won't say no to getting out of the house, so I can't dwell on how much I hate myself.

And I'm so sorry for being one of the reasons you can't get good pain relief tablets anymore from the chemist without a prescription.

I'm negativeNess today.