Betrayal and discard, stuck trying to understand

Hi @floatingcat welcome to the forums. Glad you've found this space :)

I'm sorry to hear that you have had this experience. It sounds like you put a lot of heart into this relationship, only to feel the sting of lies and betrayal. That would be incredibly challenging to try to make sense of. It is okay if it takes you some time to move forward from this, as it sounds like there is some grief there - not just over the loss of the relationship, but also from your past as well. I hope you're able to give yourself some time to process these feelings, and give yourself some grace along the way. It's like you said, it was really good in the beginning, and you can't be blamed for wanting the relationship to be what it seemed at the start.

It's good to hear you are accessing therapeutic support along the way. SANE's Recovery Club is another option for extra support as you navigate these next steps in your journey - more info here:

https://www.sane.org/recovery-club

I wish you the best in healing from this.

Hey, @floatingcat, it sounds like you are going through a tough time and I’m really sorry to hear that you have been treated that way. No one deserves that and you aren’t the problem or issue. I don’t know you but it seems like you are used to being the support for other people and are completely burned out. That tells me you are a selfless and kind person. But you shouldn’t hurt yourself to help others.

I have a lot of the same issues as you with setting boundaries and I am still working on it but the main thing that has helped me is not wanting to be hurt anymore. A lot of times when we let feelings bottle up it creates a lot of pain that even after a relationship has ended doesn’t go away. And that pain is so incredibly hard to carry. I think I just told myself that setting boundaries and being honest with people is scary but I don’t want to keep getting hurt. It is so horrible that these people aren’t being kinder to you. The people who deserve to have you in their lives will respect those boundaries and feel bad when they have upset you.

Figure out to you what is a number 1 on the scale of setting boundaries (i.e. having one date a week or being on time). Just something that you feel you can ask for right now. And then figure out what scares you the most. Start with number 1 and move your way upwards. It is going to take time to do these things and a lot of it will feel uncomfortable but it is your life and you deserve to be treated well. Relationships are built on connection and boundaries and you need a healthy amount of both to have a good relationship.

Walking away from someone you love is so so incredibly hard and you should allow yourself the time to be able to do that. It sounds like the person you love may not be who this guy really is. Maybe you should question why you want to stay with him. If it’s because you’re comfortable that makes sense but in the long run I can’t see you being happy or comfortable in a relationship where there is no trust. Maybe it’s about not finding anyone better. That is a completely valid fear but even if you don’t, being around people who make you unhappy is not a good solution. I truly believe that there is someone out there for you. You seem like a loving and kind person and there will be someone who appreciates that. These bad experiences write a story about how many bad people there is out there not a story about how you are a problem.

I know this was a lot of rambling but I hope it helped and I’m wishing you all the best

Hi@floatingcat

Sorry to hear that you feel let down by this person. You cannot change someone. From what I'm feeling this person is stuck in the past and was trying to move on but can't. They probably have to go through a lot of changes to move forward. Their issues would have simply carried on in this relationship from their past one. You might have dodged a bullet so to speak. You can only learn from this experience. When you meet someone take it very very slow and remain friends until you learn a lot about them. You said this person love bombed you. Love bombing is a red flag. This person could have narcissistic qualities to them that you do not want or need.

It's not a reflection on you or your value but rather their self-awareness and maturity. Unfortunately, I think often if we are empathetic, kind and accepting of others this can lead to relationship boundaries being crossed. Story of my life and I am now skeptical if the real person you're in relationship with is even revealed until 3-5 years in. I would really encourage you to do lots of expiration, reading, podcasts on secure relationships, boundary setting and red/green flags. Get strong in yourself by decentering relationships and it will be easier to say you don't tolerate certain behaviours early on and leave. I wish I had done this when I was young rather than suffering one after another and now being in early 50's.

Also, read about limerance, which is especially impactful if any neurodivergence, and love bombing as then the early intensity will just fill you with doubt, reveal red flags and/or the ick and slow it all down.

@floatingcat aw I hear you, this is so disappointing. You are not the problem, you can't control the poor behaviour and misleading actions of the people you date. But you can control what behaviour you will tolerate. Setting boundaries has helped me in the past, write them down somewhere private and stick to them. Accept being single and look for the joy in it – some research actually place single women as the happiest demographic... Do things you enjoy every day (I have a list to remind me, when I am depressed I go to the list and challenge myself to do some and almost always feel better after). Practice self care and self love. I agree with @anonaquarian about decentering relationships, this is powerful advice. Reinvest time in friendships, family, even spending time with pets who will offer you nothing but unconditional love <3 bless them. Eventually you will heal, one step at a time. Good job for showing up for yourself here, keep it up.