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My friend has BPD and I need advice on how to support her.

Clover_joyCasual Contributor01 Oct 2026, 10:10 am AEST

My friend has BPD and I need advice on how to support her.

One of my oldest friends has BPD and ADHD. She has been dealing with this for many years but the last 2 years in particular have been especially difficult with more recurrent instances of mania, a foray into hard drugs (meth), run-ins with the law, homelessness, and a 21 day stint in jail. I was living in a different town while most of this was happening and kept in touch with her on the phone. She filled me in on bits and pieces and the rest I heard from friends. I’m now living in the same town as her and I’m really afraid for her and the trajectory she’s on. I really empathise with how hard it must be for anyone living with this illness but in this case, it feels like she doesn’t take accountability for her actions and I don’t know if that’s a lack of self awareness, if it’s her illness, shame.. I don’t know. I’ve recently moved back to the same town as her and I want to be there for her but I’m quite an anxious person and have a lot going on in my life as well and when she needs me most, my anxiety causes me to avoid and I just feel really guilty and helpless. Even her family have restricted contact so she has hardly anyone and I desperately want to be there for her and help her but it’s hard when she doesn’t seem to try to help herself. It seems like her main priority is partying but it always ends in a negative spiral. There’s so much more context, it’s hard to fully explain, but I guess that’s the bones of it.

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In response to: My friend has BPD and I need advice on how to support her.

RadderSenior Contributor03 Oct 2026, 10:17 am AEST

Re: My friend has BPD and I need advice on how to support her.

hi @Clover_joy, thanks for reaching out to this forum.

I believe there is no shame in looking after yourself first - you can't help others if you are not in a good place yourself. Have you sought treatment for your anxiety? That could help prepare you to help her.

Ultimately, your friend needs to want to take action - she cannot be forced. Perhaps start by asking her how she feels about her life at the moment - what is good about it and what is bad about it. You could then ask if she wants to do anything about the bad parts. But otherwise, you can only be a listening ear for her to download to - simply doing that is supporting her until she is ready to make changes.

If she wants, you can give her resources like:

Unfortunately, sometimes these situations don't have happy endings but that is in no way your fault. You can only work on what is within your control - her behaviour is outside of your control.

In response to: My friend has BPD and I need advice on how to support her.

EternalFlowerSenior Contributor03 Oct 2026, 4:47 pm AEST

Re: My friend has BPD and I need advice on how to support her.

hi - bpd does not have mania as part of its diagnosis to my knowledge.

Some ppl report disassociating tho during it.

I think ppl with bpd are very sensitive to rejection oftetimes, so a friend being "half in" could only trigger her - perhaps you can educate yourself on bpd to learn about the patterns, causes, and symptoms, and then if u feel you're not up to it you can make a more informed decision. There are psychoeducation courses run via Spectrum, for example, to educte carers how to support loved ones with bpd. these are offered online accross australia. My friend attended one to support me.

Just as someone reading it, the comments about partying seem a bit unrelated to BPD and maybe biased.

BPD is not about partying, many ppl with it sometimes withdaw because they feel no one understands. Partying is a thing that can occur in many ppl's lives depending on age and social circles. It is not of itself a symptom of BPD.

It might help to separate the diagnosis from traits that you simply don't find are combatable with yourself. A person who loves partying and one who feels anxious at parties may struggle to connect at times, nothing to do with mental illness.

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