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Feeling lost

sjmarieNew Contributor23 Sept 2026, 5:02 am AEST

Feeling lost

Never really spoken too much as I never know how to explain how I feel. I grew up in a violent household, with an addict father who was abusive to my mum. With that I have severe trust issues and ptsd. And yet I don’t hate my dad it irritates me that I can’t, I always seem to date men that are like him and only get feelings for guys like that, which then puts me into abusive relationships. I had a full time job bought myself a car and was doing really well when I got into a terrible relationship, which put me into a deep depression. That led to me being diagnosed with ptsd and bpd. I’m no longer in that relationship but I still can’t hold a job and have a deep fear of turning out like my dad as he has bpd. And it’s getting to the point where i don’t know if I can keep trying to get better idk how to explain it, but I’ve been compared to him my whole life. And I have problems with alcohol and drug abuse already. No matter how hard I try my bpd gets the better of me and I make bad impulsive decisions and get into a depression where I can’t do anything. I just want to be normal. And now I’ve actually found a guy that’s a really good person and I hate the fact that I either have to tell him I have this disorder which I’m worried will scare him away or hide it from him.

4 replies

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In response to: Feeling lost

Nala2022Moderator23 Sept 2026, 8:51 am AEST

Re: Feeling lost

Hi @sjmarie, welcome to the Forums. Thank you for sharing so openly, especially when you’ve said that you often find it difficult to explain how you’re feeling.

I can hear how much you want things to be different, and how frustrating and exhausting it must feel when you’re trying so hard but still feel like you’re struggling. I also noticed that despite everything you’ve been through, you were able to leave an abusive relationship and build a life for yourself before. That says a lot about your strength and resilience.

You don’t have to be “normal” or have everything figured out to deserve healthy relationships and a good life. You can take your time and work out what feels safe and comfortable for you

I’m also wondering whether you have any support around you at the moment, such as a GP, mental health professional or someone you trust. Given what you’ve shared about experiencing abuse in your relationships, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is also available 24/7 if you’d like some specialised support: https://1800respect.org.au/

You’re certainly not alone in feeling like you’re struggling to make sense of things, and I hope you find the Forums a supportive space 💛

In response to: Feeling lost

AppleblossomSenior Contributor23 Sept 2026, 6:00 pm AEST

Re: Feeling lost

@sjmarie I was really struck that you say you dont hate your dad. I am not sure hate is ever the answer, so often, people get locked into blame, and it seems to keep alive more fragmentation in families and society. It sounds like there is intergenerational transmission of trauma, with a tendency to trauma bond. Good luck in negotiating your new relationship. I cant tell you what to do, but test the waters and tread as you feel is most sustainable for you and a good relationship. I had different but also complex upbringing and partner. (Different diagnoses). My father was blamed for everything and I looked like him, not my mother, so maybe was compared, I dont know.

Bpd can be a difficult diagnosis, so I would do research into your therapeutic interests. What you feel will lead to you to the best possilbe life ....

Eg I like this guy... not sure what you think?

https://www.youtube.com/@NewelOfKnowledge

In response to: Feeling lost

jayleeCasual Contributor25 Sept 2026, 1:53 am AEST