I have no mouth and I must scream

Every second of my life is self monitored. I cannot let myself live. When I cease to do so even due to mental breakdown I feel "ah this is it", and then it is gone. Everyday is a subconscious performance that tears away at my soul and day after day the numbness keeps growing. I have failed to grow up and live as a human, I feel I have completely failed in so many categories. People go through unimaginable things in their upbringing that scars them in a way that does irreparable harm, but there is at least a human kind of suffering and dealing with it, however poorly. Me? I don't even know how to describe what I am or what the hell I am up to. I have mastered the art of being at least not socially degraded and judged but have the persona of "the smiling saint" that is, the amiable and good guy that no one really knows or is true friends with but always when they see him, he's kind and friendly and good-hearted, but everything underneath feels so wrong and broken and I can't even find the words to articulate this. My living situation plus my religious belief makes me feel like I am unable to go into these places, the first because what dregs of a stable reality I have will be lost and the second that going into these places in me will reveal that I am unforgivably broken and God will reject me. My perception of reality seems like a different language to other people, like I know everyone has different perspectives but they all seem to be human, and I hate hate hate that I feel fundamentally separated from other people in a way that seems irredeemable. I want to be a person, I want to live like others even if that meant being with the hurt in a lot of pain and suffering because at least then I would feel human and not so messed up. I am a uni student, love music, love my neighbour, dress well, good looking, parents still together, everything SHOULD be alright but I JUST WANT TO SCREAM TILL I TEAR UP MY VOCAL CHORDS, but I won't let myself because it feels too unsafe to be with where I am at, even though I shouldn't be where I am at. Also I feel maybe this is all in my head and I am the same as everyone else or even have it easy but am just weak so I feel like life sucks but it actually doesn't and I am just impotent.