Becoming uncomfortable and confused about aspects of relationship with partner

jaz_101New Contributor14 Sept 2026, 1:54 pm AEST

Becoming uncomfortable and confused about aspects of relationship with partner

Ok so, bit of context: I (24/F) was raised by an emotionally/psychologically/verbally/financially/socially/physically abusive father (basically sexual abuse was the only thing spared) and parentified from the age of 9. I'm AuDHD and demisexual, with a reactive rather than spontaneous sex drive - generally, I don't have one outside of my partner and more or less when I'm with him. It's not something that sits on my brain really when I'm by myself. (Before anyone asks, yes I have been working through all that in therapy)

I'm new to dating/relationships in general - only started this year with "third times a charm" turning out to be true for the most part. This is my first actual intimate relationship. We've been dating for over 2 months and both agreed we wanted to take it seriously after 3 weeks. He's (29/M) aware of my past etc. which doesn't phase him, he's incredibly patient and understanding, overall I feel safe with him and an actual inclination to trusting another person and just relaxing around them, which is no small feat for me. He's also helped me become a much more confident person, Understand myself better and overcome some insecurities my abusive father left me. Overall I'd say I'm very happy with things.

However, I'm becoming uncomfortable with the sexual aspect of the relationship. I'm as inexperienced with this as I am with the rest of the whole 'intimate relationship' stuff, he's also my first sexual partner. His patience and understanding has also extended to that area. Generally I've been happy to try just about anything out and enjoy pleasing him, but I'm starting to question the level of sexualisation in the relationship.

Content/Trigger warning: Discussion of sexual intimacy

Basically since we started doing that, every hangout ends in sex, and increasingly it almost seems to be exclusively for that purpose. (He also has a higher sex drive) Probably at least half of what we talk about is sex. Recently I also agreed to try out the dom/sub dynamic, (because why not) which is where I feel the issues started. That quickly became most of our sexual interactions, and upon reflection, I spent a lot of that time partially dissociated. I had one of my full on dissociated shutdown/meltdown episodes once, which he helped me through (first time anyone had actually helped me and first time it didn't actually go to meltdown). Very recently though, I dissociated again and almost went to full on punched him out of reflex (haven't had that reflex activate since the last time my father tried to assault me years ago). Again, he helped me come back from that and was totally calm.

Content/Trigger warning: Discussion of sexual intimacy

The thing that's finally made me really feel I need other opinions is a recent conversation (sex again) where he was talking about other stuff we could try. This particular topic was dressing up/roleplay, which I understand the concept of in a theoretical/logical way, but I just don't personally connect with the concept - like I go to ren fairs but I still can't grasp actually being in character. I explained that for him, and that dressing up doesn't do anything for me sexually. He then proceeded to question why I dress up for ren fairs, and the pointed questions just felt like how it felt when my father would ask targeted questions he knew the answers to or presented in a way where he'd get the answer he wanted to use to manipulate and reverse psychology us into agreeing to his coercion and control protocols. I'm just so confused because he's been great and I don't know if I'm just misinterpreting normal things as red flags and I feel like I'm slowly developing a negative/avoidance feeling towards sex in general.

As I've said, I'm new to all this, I don't have a baseline for what's normal. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and insane and overthinking everything and need to work on that and he's being normal, or if it's all just a big miscommunication or if there's red flags popping up, because take sex out of it, and he's amazing. Also if it is a miscommunication, how can I communicate better?

Ahead of time, any and all insight is welcome and appreciated and thank you all so much!

Re: Becoming uncomfortable and confused about aspects of relationship with partner

Hi @jaz_101 and welcome to the forums community

I appreciate you being able to talk about such a vulnerable topic here - I'm glad that you've felt able to reach out here and ask for some additional support on this, as it can be a complicated, and it's completely understandable to be feeling unsure about these situations. I know that you also mention that you have your own therapist, but I did also just want to offer that 1800RESPECT can also be a helpful place to talk to someone when you're not sure what is "normal" in an intimate relationship Home | 1800RESPECT

I also just wanted to quickly let you know that we've just added spoiler tags to a portion of the post - this just means that members can click to read the sections that talk about sexual intimacy, as this can be a difficult topic for some.

I look forward to seeing to community's insights here.

Re: Becoming uncomfortable and confused about aspects of relationship with partner

Hi@jaz_101

Over time you'll know if this is the relationship for you. If you feel pressured and don't want to, then don't. It's important for boundaries to be in place especially if you have trauma. From what you are describing you are having triggers or flashbacks that reminds you of your father during intimate moments. Relationships are not all about sex. It is also about communication and love. Maybe tell your bf that you would like to back off the sex for a bit. Are you able to see your therapist and discuss this with them? The last thing you want is to be re-traumatized and you end up with more trauma and trust issues. If this guy is really into you and respects you he will understand and back down. If he doesn't he's all about the sex. Just my opinion.

Becoming uncomfortable and confused about aspects of relationship with partner