Alcoholic boyfriend

Hi Messsedup,

First time posting in this forum as just joined today.

Want to start by saying that I am so sorry for the situation you are in. It is never a nice place to be.

I too am stuck in a cycle of drinking too much. Stems from trauma, PTSD. It is not a nice place to be in.

I have made a decision, not to cut alcohol from my life completely, but to end up in moderation.

To be able to break free from alcoholism, you need to have to want it. And really want it. It is a disease. It is all consuming. I am still trying to figure out what that looks like for me. It is not an easy thing to deal with. You just have to want it.

Such as, why do I want to do this? What benefits will it bring? So many things that can mean different things to different people.

That's why I am here. To find the additional tools to help me on my road to recovery. And I know there will be plenty of people on here that have fought those battles and won that can offer something much more than I can, I am only at the start of my journey. It is going to be a long one. But I am willing, dedicated and committed.

You are allowed to feel angry. Sad. Disappointed. Many other feelings. I have seen my now ex partner in the same cycle. It is not nice to you, and again, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I'm sorry it is not the best of advice or the magic bullet. But hopefully will have given you something.

@Messsedup, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You’ve got so much happening at once, and it makes complete sense that you’re feeling angry, sad, disappointed and disrespected after everything that happened. You clearly care about him deeply.

I really hope his appointments this week are helpful, but I also hope you can get some support for yourself through all of this. Living alongside someone’s drinking can be incredibly exhausting and isolating, and you deserve support too. Do you have any supports in place for yourself? 💛

Hi @theirishaussiwe, welcome to the Forums! Thank you for sharing so openly about your own experience and for taking the time to support Messsedup. It sounds like you’re navigating a lot yourself and are still working out what recovery looks like for you. That takes courage, and I hope you find plenty of support, understanding and useful tools here.

And I think you’re right that there isn’t a magic bullet, everyone’s journey with alcohol is different. Be kind to yourself as you work through your own journey too 💛

If either of you are wanting support options, please let us know.

Hi Messedup,

I can be very difficult living with some with an addiction. I am an addict myself. Its a tricky position for you as you sound like you are trying to be supportive but it id taking so much from you.

Just remember you can not make anyone change their addiction. You can support them while they go through it if they genuinely want to change.

Does it feel like he genuinely want to to change. is he putting in the work to improve himself ?

You also need to care for yourself, you cant let a drowning person drag you under as well.

wishing you the best.

@Destination I appreciate your honesty. I would like to believe drinking is optional for alcoholics. I drink and sometimes excessively. But with my friend I notice that he spirals with one drink and is unreasonable.

I can't help him with anything.

I'm afraid he can't live alone and survive. He is dysfunctional.

I hope you are functioning and finding happiness and wellness. You deserve to.

@theirishaussiwe @Nala

I totally respect his decisions but... I have standards for my homelife.

So many small things for example, he has yet to wash up or make me a coffee or meal or snack!

What is support? I tried to help him email his resume last night to his job provider, he refused. It's on my computer

I tried to drive him to us ultrasound appointment this morning but he woke at 6 and is currently walking there 3 hours early.

His psychologist told him not to burden me! Wtf. No burden.

I cook and clean up after him and pay the rent and bills. He takes advantage.

If I boot him out, I carry the emotional burden and worry.

@Messsedup ,

Respecting his decisions is absolutely fine, if that is something you are comfortable with doing.

You are, however, not his mother. He is a grown man, responsible for his own decisions. He makes the choices in his life; he alone is responsible for them. Not you.

"What is support?"

This can take many forms. It sounds like you are carrying the household, which is not the way things should be. A partnership is an equal responsibility for everything that goes on. A coffee. Meals. Snacks. Cleaning. The list can go on.

If you boot him out, as you say, you do not carry the burden. He carries the weight of what has happened.

There is a saying we had in the military. The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.

This seems quite apt in the situation you are in.

I don't think you want to settle for the bare minimum in terms of effort in the relationship, as it is. But I am not offering advice. That would be wrong from my side of the fence. Your situation is your own. I have had a similar lived experience so I do understand. But again, I do not want to be the one to direct what you do. Your situation is your own and you need to figure out what is best for you long term. Only you can decide that. If that makes sense.

Always here for a chat if you ever need it.

I was away with the ACT SES on a National Competition in Cairns for 4 days, it was a dry competition. I have to say, the first night was a bit up and down with sleep, the rest was absolutely great. No sweats. No DT's. Just good sleep, and great energy. I feel I have turned a corner! Amazing what something so small and simple can do for your wellbeing!

Reach out if you need anything. We are all here and we are all looking out for you!

Thanks @Therishaussie

There was an incident and I drove home alone and packed his gear. When he flew back a few days later he knew he had to leave.

It's been really rough for him for 3 weeks now. Terrible weather to sleep in his car.

I continue to help/enable him despite my friends telling me to block him and forget him. I can't, I'm soft like that and keep seeing the good in people.

He still hasn't gone to rehab but says he isn't drinking or smoking dope. I don't believe him. I don't think I will every trust him again, even if I love him 😔.

I'm glad you had a good dry time in Cairns.

Can I ask if you believe you will ever be able to drink just socially?