Just a burden

Howdy,

I don’t know how to write this in a tactful way, but I’m just so tired of being a burden to everyone. I’m tired of my disabilities and mental health dragging me down and taking everyone I care about with it. I’m tired of ruining my own life because I don’t understand social conventions and cues. I’m tired of being forgotten about and being forced out of spaces just because I haven’t been able to attend them. I’m tired of being bad at everything no matter how hard I try. I’m tired of failing and falling behind. I’m tired of being a burden to my partner and my family. I’m tired of hating myself and my body. I’m tired of not liking myself no matter how much effort I put into self acceptance and body neutrality and exercise and making sure I’m healthy. I’m tired of living. I thought that maybe directing films was something I was good at. I got into the big fancy course, I talked to the actors and made a short film that I wrote and directed myself. But I fucked it all up by not understanding social conventions and rules AGAIN. I got sent to hospital, I was forced to drop out of my course and start a different one. My best friend won’t talk to me and had made it so that I can’t talk to any of our shared friends and I can’t work on any projects at my university. Nobody from my old degree will speak to me or even look at me when they see me on campus. It’s like I don’t exist. And maybe I don’t. Maybe that would be better. Maybe everyone would be happier if they didn’t have to feel burdened by the mere thought of me. Maybe my friends would be happier if they didn’t feel guilty for not seeing me because they busy having lives and careers and opportunities that I can only dream of. Maybe my family would be happier if they didn’t have to worry about my health and my future all the time. Maybe my partner would feel like she was able to do the things that I know she really wants to but can’t because my physical health. Maybe everyone would be better off if I didn’t exist.