I'm good with death, it's loss and grief I have a problem with.

One of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me was to normalise death and dying as part of life's cycle. There's a lot to say about that, and I hope my experience may help some of you.

But what they didn't prepare me for was being discarded and rejected.

Here's the summary

2018 my (then) husband of 30 years says to me three days after Christmas, "I think we're done". And that was pretty much all I got.

I had just returned from an extended overseas trip. I had $248 in my account, no job, he had sold our home (which he had rationalised with me prior to me leaving), stuck me in a rental in a suburb I didn't know, at a rent I couldn't afford and his only reasoning was "I'm sick of you". I asked to attend counselling together - nope. I asked what I had done. Nothing. In his corporate speak it reminded me of if he had had a staff member of 30 years who was suddenly not performing well. Instead of talking to them, or trying to get to the bottom of a problem that they were not aware of, he went straight to the sacking, and then had me walked without recourse. Our bank accounts were frozen and the break-up was hell. He had been a forensic accountant focussing on people hiding money - he knew all the tricks. I walked away with a fraction of what we should have had.

My mental health, which has always been tenuous, took a nosedive. [Removed by moderator].

What made it worse was that he took the entire social circle with him. He poisoned my friends. The worst of that was that I had a very close (or so I thought) relationship with industry peers. I begged him to walk away from them, leave those relationships alone. The events industry is very much relationship based. Doesn't matter how good you are at your job, if you're not with the in-crowd, you won't get the work. But he didn't. So I lost most of my industry champions, many of whom were very influential in the industry.

In 2019 my Dad died. We had a complex relationship but in the end, he had a good death. I had to navigate supporting my Mum alone. Finally funds from the sale of our house was finalised and I was able to buy a small place but it was so far removed from my previous life aspirational life. I felt worthless. Dad knew I bought it, but he never got to see it.

In 2020 Covid hit. I lost my job in events. To try to ensure I could keep the shitty house I had, I got a roommate. Who turned into an absolute nightmare. She would have her "intimate partner" come to my home but I was alone. I would literally sit in my car and cry rather than go into my own home. And during this year my mother was dying. She had delirium. If you know what that's like, it is hell for the person going through it. She also had lung cancer, bone cancer and breast cancer. I was only able to see her every second day for an hour. Other times I would call the nurses and hear my dear Mum literally screaming in the background.

In 2021 I had to empty and sell the family home, alone, with no support, because no-one was able to help. It was physically, emotionally and psychologically traumatising.

I was fighting the old roommate through VCAT as she had decided she just didn't need to pay. She had her lawyer boyfriend as support. I had no-one. I have complex PTSD from that time.

Come 2022 and I thought I might finally catch a break - but no. I had a serious health incident while I was home on my own, and had to call an ambulance for myself. I'd never been to hospital before. Having no-one there to support me proved how alone I was. The few friends I had left didn't really help. I was able to get one to collect me from the hospital, but despite being told by the hospital that I needed some-one with me for 24 hours, they literally just dropped me at the gate.

That year I found out that my three oldest friends, who I considered my ride-or-die's had been seeing my ex and had holidayed together without me. I tried to discuss with them how much that hurt me. I planned the conversation with my then therapist (that I couldn't really afford), made sure it was in a neutral place, and cried so much that I wasn't strong enough to be able to brush off that they were seeing him behind my back and excluding me from things.

I thought they might have said "well, we've known you for 40 years, but we've also known him for 30. We can only offer you friendship if you accept he is in our lives too". But no.

On the day of my (family friend) - Uncle's funeral, they sent a text message to say they felt I was being unreasonable even asking them for support and that they were therefore withdrawing their friendship.

I had to continue my drive to the funeral and support my (family friend) - Aunt, who had no kids, no other relatives. She'd been relying on my support knowing I was good with death.

Through all of this I tried to reconnect with community. My local community, my Danish heritage community, my goth community. I made one or two friends but none with whom I had any great connection. And certainly no-one I would consider actually dating.

Since then I have failed at making any other connections. I have found a job in homelessness services, which is worthwhile I suppose, but hasn't supported my search for connection. It merely pays the bills - just.

I go home every night to an empty house. I've tried researching volunteering but can't find anything that interests me. I can't foster dogs any longer (My ex husband & I did this) because my home is unsuitable. (I am not a cat person at all). I've tried classes, but not met any-one interested in my quirkiness, even when I try to fit in. I've tried dating apps, friendship apps, I've invited people to things with little success. Basically tried anything I can possibly think of to meet people to alleviate the isolation. The only way it's happened has been if I pay for a therapist to listen. That's my value - only the money I can offer others. Nothing about me, as a person, has value to any-one else.

And through all of it, through all of the other things I've had to face (and there's much more than this potted highlights), I cannot get over the grief of being thrown away so viciously by the person I loved, trusted, and who I supported for 30 years (and who I thought was supporting me). I feel so disposable. So worthless. I feel like I have no right to have wants and needs. I feel like AITAH is a concept made especially for me, and the answer is always going to be yes.

I honestly don't know how to handle this grief. Death, no matter how tragic, is not personal. Being told "I think we're done" after 30years, with no further explanation is very very personal. I honestly don't know what to do, or where to turn.