Grieving the baby i nevet had

I've been living with chronic pelvic pain for years and got to breaking point so I recently had a total hysterectomy. When I later saw the medical images containing enormous cysts, endometriosis and the key culprit, adenomyosis, I thought I'd done the right thing, because surely a body that looked like this couldn't carry a baby?When I said as much, My gyno was kind but implied it's something we'll never know. I cried my heart out in the days that followed, 159386 and grieving for this little baby that i so desperately wanted but cant have. This decision has been compounded with my own bipolar and cPTSD, and my partner also having AuDHD. So along with years of chronic pain and complex mental health, timing hasn't been on our side.

I walked into that gyno office not knowing I needed reassurance that my body wasn't able to do this, that id categorically made the right choice but medicine doesnt provide certainty. felt gutted when that reassurance didn't come.

Grieving the possibility of something that never was, never realising how badly I wanted in until the choice was taken away is something that breaks my heart everyday. I love this baby in my heart but I'll never get to hold or meet her, carry her out watch her growhey