Trying to sleep is the worst

For the most part, I think I’m doing okay. I can laugh and enjoy the good moments in life. However when something happens, even if it’s small, my mind wonders to self harm. It’s like it’s always there, in the back of my mind. This has been happening for a while, feeling stress, sad, alone, or even just replaying a moment from the day that I regret saying or doing, my mind always goes to this dark place.

i try and distract myself most of the time with tv shows or books. But it’s worst when im trying to get to sleep. Some nights i try and stay up as late as possible to exhaust myself in hopes i wont have time or energy to think that way before i can sleep.

and i want to sleep, like right now, i wish i was sleeping. But I close my eyes and think of what’s happening in my life right this second and want to hurt myself.

i think a part of me wants to punish myself for doing or saying the things i do. I don’t really know how to make the thoughts go away. I can only distract myself so much and when my mind does this over ever little thing, it’s exhausting. It feels almost normal to me now but I don’t want it to be.

i really would like to sleep without these thoughts haunting me. I’m feeling a little bit helpless and lost at the moment.