Hi @Pixel_01 and welcome to the forums. I'm glad you decided to reach out for some connection, as it sounds like things are really challenging for you right now.
Sometimes just finding a way to express our inner turmoil makes a difference doesn't it? I hope you find it helpful to share in this space to help you process and maybe make sense of these thoughts. It sounds like you're trying a few different approaches to help you to manage what's been going on for you, which is amazing to hear.
Just so you know, the forums are not a crisis service, so whilst we always welcome discussion of how to manage suicidal thoughts, we ask that if members are concerned about acting on their thoughts, they step away from the forums and reach out to appropriate services - like Lifeline (I'm pretty sure you can call Lifeline as many times as needed, unless they've told you otherwise ;)
Or you can also try Suicide Callback Service too (Phone support – Call 1300 659 467 or for Chat – Visit https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/).
If you're worried about your immediate safety, please call 000.
I am glad you have found this space, and hope you feel safe to share with us here about what you're going through. You don't deserve to be alone in this.