I don't know if I'm going to lose my friend

I have CPTSD (severe emotional trauma as a result of childhood abuse. It's basically PTSD, but with multiple traumatic events), and so my life hasn't been good or easy.

Literally everyone in my life (except my dad, my one saving grace! ❤️) just glosses over and ignores me whenever I acknowledge my struggles (in literally no detail at all, just a simple statement of what I'm dealing with).

It's always hurt when people do it, but I try to understand and be compassionate to them. They don't want to deal with the pain of my trauma, so they pretend like it's not there so they don't have to deal with it.

I understand acquaintances and friends who you aren't close to doing that, but everyone in my life (besides my dad) does this, and they have only ever been people I'm close to!

I've just let it slide my whole life, because I know that I don't have the right to force my trauma onto anyone, and whenever I gently tried to mention it (and I mean gently! I fawn like crazy!), I would immediately get shut down or treated like I'm being unreasonable for expecting people who claim to care about me to show me they care!

All I want is the basic "Hey I'm sorry you're going through this, that sounds really hard! I care about you, and I wish there was more I could do to support you!" and then act like they care by texting me with "just thinking of you" or whatever for awhile!

I've never had that! Not once!

As I said I let it slide. Then last year my friend lost her newborn baby and got PTSD from it. Everyone, including myself, rallied around her and gave her as much support as possible! In terms of the support I've given, I've given her advice on how to cope with PTSD, I've regularly checked in on her to see if she's okay, and I even told her if she needs someone to talk to, I'll go to that deep and painful place with her if she needs it (because as I've stated, no one ever wants to go there with you. They just ignore your pain!).

She's a nurse, so she knew before the independent investigation into her baby's death, that the hospital had fucked up. However she just got the investigation results and to protect the hospital, it didn't admit they did wrong, but it did say "they missed opportunities". She told me how much she hated those words! I told her how evil it was that they were taking her family that way! I validated and supported her.

I never mentioned it, because I knew no one would want to talk about it, but when my friend with PTSD asked me how I was going, I was honest. I said that was a complicated answer, because:

• On a lighter note, it was a nice day so in one sense I felt okay.
• On a medium note, I've injured my back and it's healing crazy slowly, and I'm so sick of it not being better already.
• On a heavier note, literally what I've said here about my aunt. Literally this amount of detail!

And so of course, my friend only acknowledges that I mentioned my sore back.

I've given her these 3 level answers many times before, so that I'm not forcing my trauma on her (but that I'm also not denying my struggles), but also so that she can decide how deep she wants to go in the conversation.

Earlier today I texted her asking if she actually cares about me? I told her how I had basically said that my aunt did the equivalent of acting like my friend's baby didn't even exist (something she's told me terrifies her, that people will forget about her child!), and then just ignored it!

I told her how I've always tried to support and understand her experiences before and after she got PTSD, but she's only ever ignored me when I talk about my emotional struggles!

Her baby only died once and had been dead for less than a year, and everyone had rallied around and supported her (and at least as far as I'm concerned, I still do! I checked in on her at mother's day!), my trauma went on daily for over a decade, and literally NO ONE but my dad has ever said "I'm sorry you're going through this, are you okay?" Not even in the most basic ways!!!

I said it was bad enough when she didn't have trauma and treated me this way, but now she understands the very depths of this kind of pain, and still treats me like I don't matter! I don't even know what the point in us being friends is?!

I never had many people in my life to begin with (thanks to the circumstances of my trauma), and now with my aunt gone I've only got my dad, this friend and another friend (who is actually worse than this friend!).

I feel like if this friend steps up we can save this friendship, but our families have been close for generations, and their family avoids conflict like the plague! I'm not sure she'll actually care enough to fight that impulse, and step up and start acting like she cares!

I'm so sick of being treated like I'm invisible and I'm worthless! I'm no longer going to stand for it! I'm not asking for a lot, just basic kindness and caring!

I'm not ready to broach this stuff with my other friend yet (she's not in a place to hear me, and I'm not yet strong enough to face talking about it with her). I know I need to do that, but it's not yet time for that.

I'm just so scared to lose my friend with the baby though, because I'm slowly losing everyone in my life! Literally my dad almost died a month after her baby died! Life had not been kind!

I'm also not very capable of making and keeping friends. My trauma makes it really hard for me to trust people, and then when I do make friends, likes lot of people who've been in assistive relationships, the person I become friends with ends up being toxic! (Which thankfully die to my resume, I'm more than happy to ditch ASAP!)

The only reason I have my friends who I've mentioned here, is because I've known them my whole life! If I end up cutting them out of my life, I'm not sure if I'll ever make another close friend! Just aquaintances at best!

The more I fight for myself, the more alone in the world I become!