Torn Between Connection and Mental Health

Hi @FridgeMagnet,

Sorry to hear that you are stuck in this situation. From what you are saying this person doesn't seem to respect your values and opinion and says they use violence jokingly or not. That would raise red flags with me especially if they are making you worried and anxious and triggering your mental health. If i were you i would keep my distance for a while and not play any games with him until i figure out what to do next. If you find that you keep being triggered its best to block him. He will find another friend online.

Hey @FridgeMagnet

It is so incredibly difficult to feel "torn" between a years-long history with a friend and your own immediate well-being. When you've shared a gaming world with someone for that long, they can become a fixture in your life, and the thought of leaving can feel like a loss of stability 💚

However, a few points in your post stand out to me as red flags for your safety and mental health. For example, I know you mentioned being too scared to tell him your true thoughts because he views disagreements as "evil." A friendship in which you have to hide your identity to remain safe or liked is a heavy burden to bear.

I'd also like to point out that for someone managing Schizoaffective disorder, being constantly exposed to conspiracy theories and stories of "righteous violence" can be so destabilising. Your psychiatrist likely suggested blocking him because these topics are "fuel" for the exact kind of anxiety and paranoia you are trying to manage.

You also mentioned that he would be lonely without you. While that does show your empathy, it is really important to remember that you are not responsible for his social life at the expense of your mental health and well-being. Choosing yourself is not an act of cruelty!

If your anxiety is through the roof, your body is telling you that this environment is no longer safe for you. It's okay to grieve the fun times you had in-game while recognising that the person behind the screen is now a source of distress.

If you do decide to follow your psychiatrist's advice, you don't owe him a long explanation that might trigger more conflict. A clean break (blocking and focusing on your own recovery) is often the kindest thing you can do for yourself when the energy in the connection has turned toxic.

Try to be gentle with yourself today 💚

Hey @FridgeMagnet ! (That username is a stroke of genius on your part, by the way, haha!)

Your story is reminding me a lot of a friend I used to have in highschool. He was the outcast, and I knew how that felt, so I befriended him. But he had major problems with violent outbursts and cruel thinking patterns. I stuck around because I had my own experience with anger issues and I couldn't judge, plus I wanted him, much like you with your friend, to not feel alone.

Sadly, this very same guy ended up hurting me in a very cruel way when I had set a boundary he wasn't happy with. I won't go into detail, but it was a kind of psychological abuse that destroyed our friendship. He only did it to entertain himself and shove me down, despite remaining a true friend to him all those years and never once doing him such harm.

The point of sharing my story is to give you perspective. You might think you're doing a kindness for him, but in the long run, you can't be sure how his behaviours may deteriorate your health. I agree with the others that friendships should feel safe and non-judgemental, as well as healthy to participate in for BOTH parties.

If you are having a hard time with ending the friendship, you don't have to. You could stay within it, but perhaps distance yourself more or engage less. Determine your boundary and stay true to it. "What is the dealbreaker for me? What will it take from him for me to decide this doesn't work anymore?"

Ultimately, you are not responsible for how someone else feels. He is responsible for his attitude and behaviours; you are not required to keep him regulated by staying. It will only compromise your own health, and that's not a balanced or fair friendship at all.

You aren't required to make a definitive choice now, but it's good to ask yourself what you think a healthy, safe friendship looks like for you. Please take care and don't fear choosing whatever's best for you.

Thanks @Misty7 , @MatchaToad , and @WretchedKid ...I very much appreciated your perspectives. I have had time to think a bit more about this situation and I think my psychiatrist (and you guys) is right I need to make a break from him. I have tried putting in more boundaries before because the red flags have been there for a while (he went absolutely nuts one time when I played with someone else for example) but I think he is not really capable of fully respecting boundaries (e.g. if I don't pick up the phone, he will call back a few minutes later and become upset if I don't immediately answer his calls - sometimes I have life shit to do, you know....admittedly I have probably indulged this too much because I will always try to pick up the phone so that my anxiety about his response doesn't rise). Sometimes I hear moments of self reflection from him but he often gets too would up about stuff to truly change his behaviour. I will grieve this friendship because we have been friends for a long time, but I know ultimately I need to let the friendship go...

From the sound of things, that seems like the choice in your best interest right now. Sometimes life will pull friends apart. And it can be a sad thing. But you know you've been a good friend to him all these years, and you've done the best you could do. Maybe one day, he may be able to heal himself in a way that enables him to respect boundaries and your paths could cross on better terms. Until then, you should be proud of choosing yourself - having space from one another can allow you both to reflect and grow.

I hope all goes well for you, @FridgeMagnet.

Hi@FridgeMagnet,

Glad to hear you have made a choice and are prioritising your mental health and well-being. You need to feel respected and safe.It sounds like this person has a lot of issues they need to work on.