Processing change and kerbing resentment

Hi @DaretoDream, welcome to the forums, I’m really glad you reached out and shared this here.

It sounds like you’ve been holding a lot, and what you’re describing is incredibly complex. Trying to support someone you care about through PTSD, while also noticing the impact it’s having on you, can bring up so many mixed emotions. It makes sense that you’re feeling torn, especially when your values and your care for your partner are pulling in different directions.

I also want to gently acknowledge what you said about questioning yourself, it’s understandable that this realisation brings up self-doubt, but it doesn’t mean you can’t trust yourself. You’ve been doing your best with what you knew at the time, and that matters.

If you ever feel like you’d like some extra support outside the forums, there are services like Open Arms (for current and former ADF members and their families) https://www.openarms.gov.au/ or Carer Gateway https://www.carergateway.gov.au/ that offer free counselling and support for people in similar situations.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. This is a space where others may really relate to what you’re going through, and I hope you feel supported here 🌻

Hey @DaretoDream

I wanted to start by thanking you for sharing this with us all. It takes an incredible amount of emotional strength to voice those "taboo" feelings (the resentment, the sadness, and that specific sting of self-loathing) 💚

When you spend years being told, and telling yourself too, that the problem is your own "lack of self-worth" or "insecurities," only to find out it was a medical reality all along, it's a massive shock to your system.

Please try to be gentle with yourself regarding your instincts. They weren't actually broken; they were sounding the alarm the entire time. You knew something was wrong; the only thing that was off was the label you were given. That is not a failure of your intuition!

That thought of "if it was my daughter, I'd tell her to run" is a very painful form of clarity. It shows that your values are still intact. It's also a very clear sign that your boundaries are still there, even if they've been pushed to their absolute limit.

Recognising that PTSD is a condition explains the behaviour, but it doesn't necessarily make the behaviour acceptable to live with every day. It is possible to have deep empathy for his 30 years of service and the trauma he carries, while also acknowledging that you deserve a life that doesn't feel like a daily moral conflict.

Now, does it get easier? Well, it can certainly get clearer. Which is often the first step toward it feeling lighter. Now that the PTSD is "laid bare," it can no longer hide behind your insecurities. I know that it can help some partners to view PTSD as a third-party entity in the house. It's not you vs. him; it's the two of you vs. the condition. When the volatility starts, naming it as a symptom can sometimes take the personal sting out of it.

I also want to say that it is understandable why you don't feel you can talk to your mum. You want to protect her view of him and avoid the "just leave" pressure. But carrying this alone is a heavy burden. Finding a space, whether it's a specific support group for defence partners or even here, where people understand that "staying" is not weakness but a complex choice, can make a massive difference.

You have spent so long looking at what you need to fix in yourself. While he is in this transition and getting professional support, I hope you can find even a small pocket of space that is just for you, where you don't have to be a partner, a caregiver, or the one with all the baggage.

I am wondering what "looking after yourself" looks like for you right now, even if it's just for a few minutes a day to catch your breath? 💚