Grown so much/ Don’t feel I deserve to have a good life because of the past

Hi @GlossyHygrocybe thanks for sharing your story. I really hear how much pain and regret you feel over these events from your past, and how this anger has emerged from it all as well.

It is not pathetic to be so immensely impacted and overwhelmed by how you've behaved in the past. If something did happen to you as a child, it makes sense that you needed to find ways to cope - drugs and hypersexuality are common ways to attempt to soothe a traumatised nervous system.

It may not be 'an excuse' for hurting people, but it does make sense, and it does not mean that you are inherently a bad person, or that those actions mean that you don't deserve good things in the future. The fact that you care this much about your past behaviours and how they've hurt others, is what shows the true value of your soul. If you were a bad person, you would not want to reconcile with your past, or change your future.

We cannot change the past, and living with that pain can be really difficult. But it does not need to be a prison of shame and regret; it can be a catalyst for change. You are already doing so in some small way just by sharing here. The pain is telling you how much you've already grown, I think. It can be a rough journey, but it's certainly a worthy one.

Sending you some gentle hugs, if you want them 💜

Hey @GlossyHygrocybe

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to speak these truths out loud. Breaking down on that light rail, feeling that sudden physical rush of everything you've been pushing down, is such an incredibly heavy experience. It is understandable that your brain would be feeling hot, because from what I can see, you've been carrying a lot of grief and a lot of history 💚

It sounds like you are caught in this tug-of-war between the person you were during a period of crisis and the person you have worked so hard to become. That reckoning you speak of is one of the hardest parts of recovery, especially when you're also navigating the sensory and emotional complexities of being neurodivergent (I also have Autism and ADHD too!)

It is possible for two things to be true at once. You can take full accountability for the harm you caused in the past and still be deserving of a good life today. Growth isn't a pointless exercise just because it doesn't erase the past; growth is the only way we honour the people we hurt and the person we are now.

Losing a friendship that felt like part of your soul is a specific type of agony. It is okay to miss him deeply while also respecting that his life is better now. That respect for his boundaries is actually proof of your growth. You are mourning not just him, but the version of yourself that didn't know how to handle your pain yet.

When you live with CPTSD and OCD, your brain can become like this courtroom of sorts where you're the one on trial. The "cowardice" you feel is often just your nervous system being overwhelmed. Trying your best to be a good partner and professional is enough, even if it doesn't change the past. We can't change what has happened in the past, but we absolutely can rewrite the next chapter of our lives.

You mentioned feeling like a child and calling it "pathetic." In reality, that child was likely just trying to survive things they didn't understand. That hypersexuality and volatility you mention are often attempts to find safety or control when everything feels chaotic - I've experienced the same as I am someone who also lives with CPTSD.

Are you in a safe place right now where you can do something grounding, like listening to music or even just resting your eyes for a bit, until the dizziness fades? 💚

thank you for this everyone has been so kind. I hope in time I can feel like I deserve the good things that happen to me. Thanks again

Hi @GlossyHygrocybe ,

The fact that you can reflect on your life and what has happened, is a massive step.

I recognise it's not easy, but it's the starting point in moving forward. If we focus on past failures, and live in the past, we may miss out on what the world has for us in the present. It is the present that you can control - no the past.

We've all done things in the past that we regret - myself included. Hang in there my friend. Yet we deserve to move on and grow from these

Please know you are not alone. We are here to support you.