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Family Visits

PL60New Contributor17 Apr 2026, 4:56 pm AEST

Family Visits

Can anyone offer an outsiders view on this situation . I married my second wife 3 years ago and she had a daughter with 5 young children living a bit over an hours drive from our place (longer in peak hour traffic) For many years (even before I met her) she had been travelling out weekly to mind her grandkids whilst the parents worked. For my wife who doesn’t drive this was at least an hour and a half trip on buses and trains both ways . Any family gatherings also had to be at their house for years as they didn’t want to travel with the kids… I understood this when they were babies that it is difficult

However in recent times when anything is for the family they still insist on us travelling there every time.
I have suggested that now the kids are older our gatherings could be somewhere in between as they would like the kids great grandmother to attend and she is almost 90 with dementia. They have so far refused to even consider travelling nearer to us and only see the great grandmother once a year at Christmas (which is always at their place) when I pick her up (adding another half hour to the trip both ways) and drive her there. Recently I have suggested that maybe it would be nice for them to make the effort to drive the kids over to see their great grandmother as you never know how much time she has left (hopefully many years but there is no guarantee.) I don’t expect it regularly but maybe a couple of times a year would be wonderful …

This suggestion was met with anger from my wife and I was called disrespectful and inconsiderate to her family suggesting such a thing

Any thoughts .. have I done wrong ??,

3 replies

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In response to: Family Visits

DogMan79Senior Contributor17 Apr 2026, 5:12 pm AEST

Re: Family Visits

Hi @PL60

I base this off both previously working in education, and living away from my family

Generally speaking, family units centre around a geographical location. An hour drive suggests that someone has moved away from that centre

Most often, families return to the original home-base

If it's you & your wife who stayed, and the others moved an hour away, they would generally return to you

In response to: Family Visits

Misty7Senior Contributor17 Apr 2026, 6:40 pm AEST

Re: Family Visits

@PL60 Hi PL60, this situation seems very one-sided my way or the high-way. It seems that your feelings aren't even considered. From my understanding relationships are a 2-way street. You should be allowed to have your opinion. Something seems off if you don't mind me saying.

In response to: Family Visits

MatchaToadPeer Guide17 Apr 2026, 7:59 pm AEST

Re: Family Visits

Hey @PL60

I want to acknowledge how much effort you have clearly been putting into supporting your wife's family over the last few years, from the long commutes to ensuring her mother can attend Christmas. It is clear that you do care deeply about these family connections 💚

Suggesting a compromise is not inherently "wrong" or "disrespectful." However, in the long term, family dynamics can make logic (such as travel time or age) run up against deeply ingrained emotional habits.

Your wife and her daughter have had this weekly arrangement for many years. To them, this is likely a core part of their identity and how they show love; it's not just about travel logistics. When you suggest changing it, they may hear a criticism of their lifestyle rather than a practical travel suggestion.

Proposing a meeting point halfway is a common way to address distance. It acknowledges that everyone's time is valuable. It is okay to feel that the current "one-way street" is becoming unsustainable, especially as the children grow older.

As for Great-Grandmother's needs, I understand you are considering her health and age. While that is practical and kind, it might be an unpleasant topic for your wife to confront. Sometimes anger is a shield for the grief of realising a parent is aging.

If you want to revisit this, you might try shifting the focus away from "who drives where" and onto the quality of time. Instead of a suggestion for them to drive to you, you could say something like "I really value how much family means to you. My only goal is to make sure your mother is comfortable and included while she's still able. How can we make these visits work so that she isn't exhausted by the travel, and so we can all enjoy each other's company?"

By framing it as a "us vs. the problem" rather than "me vs. my family," it might lower defences and allow for calmer conversations. Hang in there, blended families certainly take a lot of patience from my experience 💚

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