I'm so tired

Hi everyone, I’m 23 and I’m writing this hoping to get some advice. I’ve been going through a depressive episode for the past 12 months, and I feel like I have completely ruined my life. It has gotten really bad, to the point where sometimes I feel like I can’t survive this. I was in a long-term relationship with my ex-partner for the past 8 years, and I was pretty satisfied with my life. Ever since we broke up, I’ve been severely depressed, having frequent panic attacks, and feeling completely lost. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of identity and don’t know what to do with my life anymore. My family lives overseas, and I moved here with my ex-partner when I was 18. I’m trying to stay here for at least a few more years to build a better life, but I have no idea what I want to pursue in terms of a career. I have social anxiety, I’m struggling to make friends, and I feel like I have no one. My ability to think clearly and make decisions about my life has been significantly affected, leaving me feeling lost, hopeless, and like a complete failure. I was recently diagnosed with depression, GAD and complex PTSD. The psychologist I’m seeing has recommended antidepressants, but I’m really scared to start them. I feel like the reason I’m not well is that I lost the person I loved most. I feel isolated, and I can’t make connections because of my low self-esteem.

I can’t stop obsessing over what I should do with my life, and combined with how hard it is just to get through each day, it has put me in a hole I can’t get out of. I still don’t know if medication would be right for me. I am experiencing suicidal thoughts, and although I can think logically and not act on them right now, I’m afraid that going on medication might make things worse. That makes me scared to try it. I don’t know if I should be open with my doctor about this because I don’t want them to contact my emergency contact. I know that what I need is to figure out where I should live, what I should study at university, improve my self-esteem, and make friends, but it all feels impossible. It has even led to me needing to go to the ER because of the severity of my panic attacks. I would appreciate any advice