Postpartum Regrets

Hey @Sanon welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing your story with us, these kinds of topics are not always easy to be open about; I think there's still a lot of stigma about postpartum mental health challenges so I commend you for being brave and reaching out.

It's okay to grieve the life you had and feel a sense of loss or yearning for what your life was before. It sounds like tensions in your relationship are compounding the amount of stress you're feeling, and that it's also difficult to find a way to communicate your feelings without worrying about how it will impact your little one.

It's clear that you still want what is best for your child, despite the challenges and sense of regret. Please know that you're not alone in your experiences. There's an organisation called PANDA (Postpartum Anxiety & Depression Australia) that may be able to help - you can find their website here, and they do have a helpline you can call for urgent support, 1300 726 306.

I hope you find what you're looking for here on the forums 💜

Hey @Sanon

Thank you for sharing this. I can really hear how much pain and exhaustion you're in right now. It takes immense strength to admit that you miss your old life and feel "numb." Please know that right now, you are not alone, and feeling this way does not mean you don't love your daughter 💚

It sounds like you are experiencing a profound sense of "loss of self," which is often intensified by Postpartum Depression (PPD).

I know you mentioned suppressing your feelings because you're worried the baby can "feel your aura." While babies are intuitive, suppressing your pain can actually make the burden heavier for you. You deserve to be a whole person, not just a calm exterior for the baby. It is okay to feel depressed, and acknowledging that depression is the first step toward lifting that "numb" feeling.

It is really frustrating when a partner says they support you 100%, yet still leaves you feeling unheard. Sometimes, "support" to a partner means "doing the chores," but what you need is "emotional witnessing."

You could try asking your partner for 15 minutes of "baby-free" time, even if that means he takes the baby for a walk or to another room, specifically so you can talk without any interruptions. You might try saying something like "I know you're doing your best to support me, but I feel incredibly lonely and distant. I need you to listen to how much I am struggling without trying to 'fix' it straight away."

I also want to remind you that it's okay to grieve your old life. Many parents, especially those who are undecided about having children, feel a sense of "buyer's remorse" in the first year. This is compounded by the fact that your husband convinced you to take this path. It is natural to feel resentment when your reality doesn't match the life you wanted.

Because you mentioned feeling "numb," "dying inside," and wanting to "leave everything behind," it is so important that you speak with a healthcare professional. PPD is treatable; it's exactly like running a marathon with a broken leg, thus you can't just "will" yourself to feel better; that's unrealistic. Please do reach out to your GP, an obstetrician, or a postpartum support warmline. They can help you untangle what is temporary hormonal/situational struggle and what requires clinical support.

You are in perhaps the thickest part of the journey right now. Please try to be gentle and kind to yourself 💚

@Sanon welcome to the forums.

I hope you can find the support you need here. I just wanted to reach out and encourage you as a husband who has walked this journey with my wife.

For us it was with our third child.

Our life was far from perfect before little Mr 3 arrived but we were doing ok.

Our third baby was a complete surprise when our then youngest was 8yo so fair to say it tipped our world upside down. A little like you have expressed feeling right now

I just wanted to say that things can change.

For us our little man went everywhere with me for the first 2 or so years. I was fortunate that he could go to work and uni classes with me. Now he is a proper mummys boy and they are very close. We would not trade him for the world.

Reaching out here is a big step. I would also encourage you to reach out to your GP and some of the supports that @Jynx has mentioned. And if he is open to it and there is someone who can watch bub to enable it maybe you and your husband can get some support together. It sounds like he wants to help and support you but is perhaps a little lost himself in this new season.

You mention it is hard not being heard by your husband. And sorry if I misread that. But something I found hard as a husband watching my wife sink (our reality not projecting on to you in any way) was to just sit and listen. Present vs Present, there is a difference. I am a fixer so just wanted to provide solutions to make my darlings life easier. But my heart was to help, ease the burden and make my wife's life easier (aka fix her). With the best heart intentions but missed the mark by a long way. If this resonates perhaps if you can find a way to communicate with your husband it may help. This is something that is likely hard to articulate, and it was hard for me to hear as a husband, translate and put into action. But understanding that there is actually a difference helps. I personally spent time with a counsellor trying to find out what that looked like. Open communication without fear of offense is key.

Do you have anyone who can take bub for a couple of hours at a set time each week to give you both time out? We were fortunate to have family and friends willing and able to help, sadly I didn't always utilise that valuable resource as I felt it was my responsibility. But time over that is one thing I would redo. Just to sit and hold hands and not even talk would have made a difference.

Hope this helps and not hinders and happy to answer any questions from a husband perspective of it will help in any way.

Speaking for myself and other husbands in my support network, most husbands on the exterior feel we need to have it all together and have all the answers and translate this into practical things, on the inside we are just big balls of mush who ache to support our families and carry all their burdens. Unhelpful in the big picture but it is a base to receive the message of 'i just need you to hear me not fix me' 🥹

Warm thoughts with you and your family as you navigate this new season.