Bleh 😖

Hi @RedRose98 It has been a huge journey for you and although I do not have any personal lived experience of what you are working through I just wanted to say that I am so glad you have shared what you're experiencing and I know that there will be many people in the forum community who have shared similar challenges with relationships, addiction and homelessness and come out to the other side. Thank you for being here and talking about it. Be gentle with yourself too.

Hey @RedRose98

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it has taken to reach 11 months. That is such a significant milestone, especially given the hurdles of homelessness and navigating a relationship in the wake of trauma. It makes sense that now, with the "noise" of substances gone, the internal wounds are feeling louder 💚

Recovery is often two-fold: there is the physical sobriety, and then there is the internal recovery, by which I mean the re-patterning of how we react when we feel safe or threatened. When you have survived homelessness and high-conflict situations, your nervous system is often stuck in "survival mode" (that trance-like state you mentioned).

It is very common for a partner to become a "trigger," even when things are going well. They can be a mirror for the versions of ourselves we are trying to leave behind. Being "cold" or "critical" is often just a subconscious way the brain tries to protect itself from getting hurt again.

Internal recovery is rarely a straight line (I truly believe that healing is not linear; it's quite a messy journey), but there is immense hope. Many people find that once the external environment stabilises, the real healing begins.

You mentioned the shame of hitting yourself during an argument. Please try to be gentle with yourself. You are unlearning years of survival tactics. One moment of struggle does not undo eleven months of progress.

Since you’ve stepped away from weed and cigarettes, it’s natural for the brain to look for a new "buffer" like comfort eating or digital use. Replacing these slowly with grounding techniques or your growing faith can help bridge that gap.

I am glad you are finding strength in your faith. Many find that leaning on a "higher power" provides the scaffolding needed to forgive themselves and others when things feel heavy.

Since you mentioned struggling with self-harm and those "trance" states, I would suggest looking into trauma-informed support (like DBT or grounding-focused therapy), which could be a game-changer for those moments when you feel overwhelmed.

I do have a question for the general community here: has anyone else navigated the transition from "survival mode" to "stability" in a relationship with a difficult history? How did you learn to see your partner, and yourself, outside of the trauma of the past?

You aren't alone in this. Reaching out and venting are huge parts of releasing that pressure valve. Keep choosing yourself 💚

Thank you @Tolly I appreciate you reading what I had to say and being part of providing a safe space to offload and seek support.

Hi @MatchaToad

Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughtful response. It makes a world of difference when someone else can see a situation you tell yourself is uniquely unacceptable and says it makes sense, that it's okay.

This insight helps me to slow down and offers a new perspective on my current situation, and for that I'm grateful. I have dabbled a tiny bit in DBT but I will definitely look into that more.

I'm also interested to hear if anyone else has overcome relationship issues with the same significant other and been successful in creating safety and respect in what was once a volatile dynamic.

Thank you for this safe space

@RedRose98

It is so encouraging to hear that those insights resonated with you. There is a specific kind of relief in realising that your reactions aren’t "broken", they are just echoes of what you had to do to survive in the past 💚

It is a very deep and honest question: Can a relationship truly be rebuilt after so much hurt? While every journey is different, I have heard from some people who found a way forward usually say that the 'success' wasn't just about staying together, but about each person becoming a safe harbour for themselves.

Establishing and creating safety requires more than just 'trying harder', it requires firm clear boundaires like having a plan for what happens the moment an argument starts to escalate (e.g., 'If voices are raised, I am going to walk away for 20 minutes to stay grounded').

External support, like trauma-informed therapists/counsellors or a support group, can help you throughout the recovery journey, providing a safe space where you can untangle your own triggers away from your partner.

Prioritising your own peace is also important. Sometimes, 'success' is realising that your sobriety and mental health are the most precious things you own, and protecting them becomes your primary job 💚

Hi @RedRose98 , how are you going?

Thank you for sharing a little about what's been going on for you at the moment.

Well done on all your achievements. I'm so mindful it is not easy.

My brother in law is struggling with drug use at the moment. So it's so close to home.

The struggles will continue, but I applaud you for all your effort, resilience and strength.

Hello @tyme

Thank you for your support. I'm doing okay, I've looked into DBT a bit more and feel more accepting of my situation after being able to share with others who are / have experienced similar and are moving forward still.

How are you doing with having a loved one struggling with drug use? It can be difficult, and I still have that struggle with loved ones in active addiction while I'm in recovery - sometimes it can feel bleak but I try to be the best I can be for me AND them.

Anyway, the Easter holiday has been a good opportunity to have a break from work and reconnect so am grateful.

I hope you get to enjoy your holiday too.