(PTSD) I don't think there's any coming back from this

Welcome @greatkeyboard glad you found this space.

I can really hear how impacted you have been by this incident, it sounds like it has caused a significant shift for you and left you reeling and groundless in a world that suddenly feels sickening and unsafe.

If you have the means, it might be worth exploring the option of seeing a trauma specialist, either on top of or instead of your current psych for a time. Sometimes a change in perspective can help us to process and make sense of things again.

I hope the forums can be a safe space for you to express yourself and connect with others who know what it's like to have their world turned askew.

@greatkeyboard

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel your frustration. It literally sounds like a nightmare. Being hindered by unknown people when you have the capacity to help.

I'm drawn to the word and surrounding sentence in Bold, the only person.

If I may ask you one question, if you where being restrained inside, then how do you know you where the only person doing the right thing?

It sounds like the bus driver was actively helping.

I am not questioning you or your thoughts. I am questioning the perspective that you took away from the incident.

It is completely OK if you dont respond.

@i8myego

Because the emergency was happening in front of the driver. To the people in the shopping center, it was out of their view, so it might as well have not existed.

I was the one grabbing the defibrillator and making alarms go off, therefore I was the emergency in their eyes, so I had to be stopped.

This is where my psychologist kept getting stuck. He was trying to restore my faith by showing me stories of civilians preventing tragedy. The analogues didn't line up because they were all too straightforward. If people are about to be shot, you attack the shooter. In my case, the "shooting" was happening outside the premises (even if it was IMMEDIATELY outside), so all anyone saw was me, panicking because someone they couldn't see might need help, and because they couldn't see them, they didn't exist. I was the one making noise, so I had to be silenced.

@greatkeyboard ahhh, I understand. Thank you for correcting me. That is a unique situation.

If I may ask a follow up question.

I appreciate that you don't have any guilt and that you absolutely did do everything you possibly could, no doubt.

Is there anything you would do differently if you had the opportunity/misfortune of doing it again?

Mate, those machines are crook, designed by fools who have never tried to help a human without the promise of a paycheck in their lives. This EXACT scenario happend to me. Swear to whatever's up there. I was working at one of those awful DFO buildings when a young girl, maybe 6-7 basically passed out, I saw her on the ground, white has a ghost, she looked like she was dying. The staff in my store got extremely stressed, the parents seemed to not know what to do, and I knew exactly where that machine was kept and all I could think was, if that machine needs to be there, I want it to be close. So I ran as fast I could, ducking and weaving past slathering consumers looking for a deal on their favourite bloody shoe brand, ripped the machine from the wall and it was like heaven itself had opened with the amount of bells and whistles that went off, it could have caused more heart attacks just from the warnings that were blaring off it I swear. Anyway thank gosh she didn't need the defib and the girl was fine but then I got scalded by my boss, the 2nd in charge and the centre management for USING THE MEDICAL DEVICE FOR ITS PURPOSE. Mate, honestly, it is kismet I logged back in tonight, I hope you read this and feel a little heard, those machines are BROKEN, while YOU are a BEAUTIFUL, CARING, WARM, CONSIDERATE HUMAN BEING who wanted NOTHING MORE THAN TO HELP, and you were made to feel less because of it by LITTLE PEOPLE who DO NOT CONSIDER THE IMPACT OF THEIR ACTIONS. Read my words. I LOVE YOU.

Hey @greatkeyboard

I read your post, and I want to start off by saying that you are right, you were truly the only person in that moment acting with humanity 💚

What you are describing sounds like a profound moral injury. This happens when our own internal compass, our deep sense of right and wrong, is met with total betrayal by the people or systems around us. In that moment, the world didn't just fail to help, it actively punished you for being the only person trying to save a life.

It makes complete sense why you feel like you can see through everyone now. When you've seen the collective choose a rule or a building's policy over a human life, it's hard to look at people and see anything but the potential for that same coldness. You aren't too far gone or crazy.

Regarding your work with your psychologist, CBT focuses more on identifying 'distorted' thoughts. But I want to reaffirm that your thoughts are not distorted. You saw and experienced something very real and very ugly about how systems work. It might be worth looking into other forms of therapy if your psychologist is open to shifting away from CBT.

Please don't mistake the world's dysfunction for your own. You stayed sane in an insane situation, and you're still carrying the weight of a crowd that refused to help. You did the right thing then, and you're doing the right thing now by being honest about how much this has changed you.

You deserve peace, and I hope you find a path to it that respects the truth of what you went through 💚

Hey @greatkeyboard ,

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds so traumatic.

And it sounds even harder that people are not listening or understanding.

Please know we are sitting with you. How are you today?

@greatkeyboard that was very heart breaking to read. Thank you for sharing...

If it helps at all... to restore your faith in humanity. Especially with all the recent events happening in the world... I am trying to change a broken system. You can read my story and share if you've encountered anything similar. Us 'good people' cannot give up, there are still good people out there - we have strength in numbers. I hear you, I see you - this world is fucked. But its up to us to fight for what is right.

https://saneforums.org/t5/Advocating-for-change/Are-others-experiencing-quot-masked-quot-dismissals-...

Hi everyone. Sorry for the very late response. Even talking online has been rough. It feels like most of the people around me are more algorithm than person.

I had another appointment with my psychologist during the break. He told me that it's a normal human thing to ignore a possible crisis out of their view (however close to them this incident was) and focus on what's in front of them, which I get, but the problem with that is it's the conclusion I came to immediately. He kind of just wanted me to just be fine with that, but realised given the circumstances that it's too big of an ask. It's disheartening hearing that "yes, this is a human nature problem" when that's exactly why it's been so distressing these last few years. The admission that he can't turn this ship around has been a source of a lot of stress but let's be real, no one can snap their fingers and rewrite every psychological pitfall our species is guitly of.

That being said, we're abandoning the "reframing the situation" treatment. It's going nowhere. I don't know what our next sessions will look like. I'm hoping I don't get deferred to a psychiatrist. I'm already on enough medication and anymore would probably burn a hole through both my wallet and my liver.

Thank you all for your support and replies, Sorry I was so late to get back on this.

Hey mate @greatkeyboard ,

No apologies needed. Take your time.

What you went through was very difficult. You did the best you could at that time, and that's all that anyone can ask. If people want to find fault, you have already explained the situation to them.

At this time, please look after yourself.

Are you linked in with SANE's Recovery Club? This is a free service and you may want to unpack some of this as a way to move forward in your recovery https://www.sane.org/recovery-club

I hear it's hard. A step at a time.