What to do next.

Hey all, my last post focused on how the system hasn’t really been able to help me. I know this space isn’t for crisis support, so this time I’m more just looking to hear from people with similar experiences. The responses I got last time did help me feel a bit seen, and honestly I don’t really have anything else to do.

For context, I’m 18M. I was diagnosed with depression two years ago, after about a year of struggling before that. I’ve also been screened for level 1 autism and ADHD—both considered likely—but I’m still undiagnosed. While I was in school, I worked with a range of mental health professionals, tried medications, and built up a pretty extensive set of coping strategies and safety mechanisms.

I now work full-time as an apprentice in a highly technical field that requires constant focus. My family is loving and means well, but they aren’t really able to support me in the ways I need, and they’re often a significant source of stress. On top of that, I struggle to consciously drop masking, so I end up constantly walking on eggshells at home, and I don’t really see it as a safe space.

I also tend to avoid sharing my issues with people I know. More often than not, like with the broader system, they can’t really help, and I end up having to dismiss their attempts anyway. So instead, I keep up appearances and bottle things up, masking pretty much constantly so I don’t worry anyone.

Recently, I’ve completely run out of energy and haven’t been able to work this past week. I tried reaching out to the system again, but that didn’t really go anywhere. My family doesn’t know what’s going on, and I don’t have the energy to explain it or deal with the fallout. At the moment, all my energy goes into trying to recover—slowly and with difficulty—only to spend it immediately on interacting with my family, maintaining appearances, and dealing with the intrusive thoughts of having to go back to work.

The thought of returning to work is getting to the point where it makes me feel physically sick. I tend to need some kind of reason or justification to push through things, and right now I can’t justify the amount of pain that working and pretending everything is fine will bring. At the same time, I don’t have the capacity to deal with the consequences of not going back either. It feels like either option costs more than I can manage, but my deadline to decide what I'm doing is only a day away.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before? What did you do?