Complex PTSD - responding to accusatory, abusive texts

Hey @Yipoet thanks for sharing, it does sound like you've been holding quite a lot for this person. It can become really draining to be someone's only support, especially if they are resistant to or struggle to find the right support elsewhere. I am not surprised you are feeling burnt out!

Sometimes when people are used to leaning on us, it can be that much harder to put boundaries in place without it becoming impactful to them, which can definitely leave us feeling guilty. But sometimes in the long run it is better for them - if they can't lean on you as much, they may be more motivated to seek other sources of support.

Do you think it's worth having a conversation about how you've been feeling, perhaps when your friend seems to be in a relatively stable frame of mind?

It might be worth getting in touch with Phoenix Institute for guidance on finding support for C-PTSD. You could also look at BlueKnot, and they have a support line too, perhaps something to pass onto your friend, or get in touch with yourself.

Being someone that also suffers CPTSD, and doing very well, I say thankyou to kind people like yourself for hanging in there. She's probably doesn't mean to make your life challenging. But you need to have time for self care for yourself. Still be there but also take the distance and time you need. My brother was my person and at times he needed to take a step back but I now understand how challenging I could be at times but him always still allowing respectful consistent contact helped.

Hye @Yipoet

It is incredibly common for carers, especially "lone supports", to feel exactly as you describe. When someone has pushed everyone else away, the weight of their world falls entirely on you, and that is not a weight one person is designed to carry, especially while raising young children.

As a volunteer here and as a carer myself, I want to reassure you that the guilt you're experiencing is a sign of your compassion, not a reflection of your capability. You are doing the work of an entire support network, and it is okay to acknowledge that you have reached your limit.

When your friend becomes accusatory or sends abusive messages, she is likely in a state of high emotional disregulation, where she cannot access her logical brain. Some strategies that might help include:

• Instead of trying to keep up with 30 calls, you might try setting a predictable time when you will answer (e.g. "I can't talk during the day while I'm with the kids, but I will check my messages at 4 pm.") This creates a boundary for you while offering her the security of knowing when you'll be there.
• If a text conversation becomes abusive, it's okay to say, "I can hear you're really hurting right now, but I can't communicate when the messages feel attacking. I'm going to step away from my phone for a few hours, and we can try again later."
• When she calls you a "bad friend" or a "bad mother," remember that these are symptoms of her condition, not actual truths about your character. You don't have to defend yourself against these accusations; doing so often just fuels the cycle.

I know @Jynx mentioned Blue Knot Foundation; they're an incredible resource!

I also recommend, as a carer, that you have a look at Carer Gateway for support. They can help with various things, including accessing respite (even if it's for a few hours) and counselling specifically for you to help manage the guilt and fatigue.

You mentioned that you feel like you're wasting your time because she won't change. In CPTSD, change is often measured in years, not months, weeks or days. But your primary job is not to fix her; it's to keep yourself healthy enough to stay in the game, and that starts with giving yourself permission to put your phone down.