seriously struggling - no judgemental reponses thank you

Hi so I'm going to cut to the basic points of my behaviour that are distressing me to a very depressive state. Firstly my dad is a classic NPD I was abused physically and severely emotionally as a child to the point where now at 19 I hold my breathing in when around him to not frustrate him, I feel to scared to even say "I'm going to the rest room" luckily for me he lives in a different country but as soon as he returns home the fear kicks straight back in.

My behaviour started in grade 6 (as a child around my mum and mums side of the family I was very quiet, happy a people pleaser and caring) in grade 6 I become super possessive over my best friend and would cry and cry if she played with anyone but me. I would call every day to make sure she was coming over so I wasn't left out. Also I used to take a girl in Kindy to the bathrooms and upset her by saying her mum wasn't coming etc then I was comfort her. I did this twice and do not know why.

In year 8 I was very insecure I have a big birthmark on my face so I was really a low self esteem type person. For some reason I started pathologically lying to gain attention, around this time my best friends were self harming so I started doing this I got my first boyfriend and when he noticed the scars I just lost it I loved him caring about me so much I become obsessed with it. I self harmed every day and sent him images, I threatened suicide every single day I caused harm tomyself physically so he would worry I was being abused I would tell lies I would do all kinds of things I was also so controlling and nasty to him. (I was 14) he eventually left me that started years of calls every weekend to the point my number was blocked I would call him crying begging him to come back but he never did. (I still feel something for him sadly)

I moved on the my next partner a year later. With him I was controlling and obsessive always complaining about him just being terrible to be around. I didn't behave the same way I previously did but I would do little things like go to the toilet after every meal so he would maybe think I was bulemic and love and care for me. He didn't notice so I stopped that behaviour. I eventually left him because he did treat me pretty crappy as well as cheated on me. The night I left him I kissed someone - I felt sickened by this and apologised to my ex over and over for moving on so fast. He claimed he loved<br>Me still and wanted me back etc so we got back together he then realised he didn't love me so he left me. I accepted this. I moved on 3 days later.....

The boy I moved onto I am still with and have been for three years. At the beginning I would fake sleep talking to make him think I was cute or funny I would try and jump out of his car to attempt suicide (I was highly intoxicated at this point) I would cry uncontrollably I would test him tell him I cheated when I didn't to see his reaction I would try and make him jealous so much (I was 16) I did all of this within the first few months and then stopped it. I don't know why maybe he proved himself or something. We are very good at the moment although I'm getting bored sadly I've started chatting to my ex casually but I can't seem<br>To break it off with him because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I still am insanely jealous and controlling whenever he goes out with his friends I want to cry and scream but I don't I just turn into a passive aggressive bitch and I feel terrible.

When I was 17 I was mean to my little cousins who was 2 and 4 at the time I used to be abusive toward them not to the extreme but I took advantage that my aunty approved of disipline. (I babysat them twice a week for 12 hours) I used to tease them just used to stir them up but a few times when i used to be physically abusive (I cant describe because of the forum rules but that title sounds bad it wasnt abusive the children love me to death but i went over board with disipline when it was NOT called for )I cried straight after because I felt terrible. I just used to do mean things to them and I hate myself for this. I don't want to be a sadistic sociopathic monster.

My main concerns as of now are my need for attention, whenever I'm out at clubs I'll try and start fights to seem tough to my Boyfriend (I don't know why deep down I'm nothing like this) I will act as if I'm on drugs every time I'm out for attention it's so extreme that if I see a group of attractive people I will have to stop my car and walk past them just to get noticed or for attention. I hate being centre of attention but I do things for sympathy and attention off men and I hate it. When my Aunty found out she got cancer I was hurt but the first thing I did was call my Boyfriend and make it all about me

My boyfriend feels as if I'm selfish and I agree, I want so bad for him to say hey babe I'm going out and me to genuinely want him to have a good time. I'm scared I'm a sadistic sociopath and will never be able to be helped. I'm terrified I'm a serial k**lleror on my way to being an evil monster I want to tell the police I'm a danger so they will constantly monitor me. I hate myself!!!! I'm so sorry For what I do but my emotions just take control and I end up feeling so bad later

I'm so upset I'm just I have nothing else to say I've probably left stuff out I've probably done more attention seeking stuff because I do it all the time I'm always acting a part and I just want to live a normal life but I can't seem to!! I want to be a good mum one day but I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of love, empathy or compassion... I don't want to live but couldn't do this to my mother. I have so much sympathy I can't see anything suffering even a fish if I go fishing I'll end up crying because I hate seeing things in pain but In my own life I'm a monster. Thanks for any replies in advanceim so alone at the moment.

Ps I'm also very manipulative and jealous with my friends. 😞