KirSa_EnigmASenior Contributor
Early life musings
I've never felt as though I had a bad childhood. In so many ways I had a great upbringing... but, there were problems that I've only just started to uncover now, which may be an answer to some of the ways I've learned to act/react as a young adult and even now... going on 50.
Here are some musings I had in a conversation this morning... more of a one sided brain dump if I'm being honest! But it's taken a while to get it all together in my head in one place so here's the short version.
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You know how you hate asking for help? Well yeah. That's how I feel about my stuff.
But turns out we're both prob just behaving that way so we don't have to experience whatever criticism, rejection, or pain (guilt, shame, inadequacy, etc) we might have experienced before... Likely growing up.
It's self protective behaviour. At least that's what I've read.
And since social acceptance is such an important part of a feeling of safety (when we're young in particular), we lean into competence so we can avoid the rejection.
I often default into intellectual understanding to explain the world and it's workings. I can know and control that. My representation of the world is vast and detailed...
But I've withdrawn from experiences and leaned on this as a substitute.
More and more in my head. Not good.
I need socialisation lol.
But I don't like it. I feel threatened... According to the textbooks anyway. (What 50yo male would admit to that, right? fightme)
My criticism of the world and people and institutions (while accurate a lot of the time!) is more of a pre-emptive strike so I don't have to confront the difficulties I have with criticism and challenges... social acceptance.
I get anxious and defensive... Even outright confrontational when I feel misunderstood or under appreciated... Taken advantage of or manipulated etc. The world truly p!sses me off in this way.
And I feel shame, disappointment, anger, fear, grief, and sadness about my shortcomings... then my abandonment of life experience.
I was raised in isolation much of the time. Not a great deal of social interaction with others except school. Holidays and weekends it was farm and family. Parents always busy. Left to explore on my own. Not a lot of feedback I guess. I've read this stuff is pretty important for young kids as they learn how to play and social boundaries etc.
School was high pressure and religious. Mum and her religion was demanding, but as I found out later, very dogmatic and nonsensical.
I felt abandoned and betrayed. Lost and alone. Alone and misunderstood. Nobody to answer my questions. Bullied in school.
Dad was busy and his answer was work. I'm sure he was raised similarly... Work is meaning... Distraction from unanswerable questions.
So yeah... Abandoned and alone I enter the world. Rebellious and angry.
But wait, there's more!
The terrible nightmares and dark intrusive thoughts... violence, disaster, overwhelm.
When suppressed emotions can no longer be withheld... those feelings of fear, abandonment, loneliness, rejection, and disconnect are pushed down and ignored for too long... And I get tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or just too close to something... Instead of HAVING the feelings (crying etc) my brain delivers something else high energy enough to expunge the emotion... An adrenalin spike. Usually some kind of violent scene, horror, or destructive, damaging, or spitefully self destructive idea.
... This is similar to my lifelong pursuit of every other damn thing that is risky and exciting. Drugs, alcohol, argument, fights, any kind of extreme challenge or problem to solve. Ultimately the pursuit of the answer to the origin of consciousness (and now the origin of life) - now there are challenges that won't be solved easily and I can avoid myself forever!! mwaaahah! (smart, hu?)
Anything but my own confronting sense of self held deep inside.
The cycle:
-> pain/anguish/guilt/fear, etc (attachment injury + shame conditioning)
-> adrenaline spike (risky behaviour, drugs, problem solving)
-> dissociative intellectualism (obsessive introspection).
This has all lead to a severe imbalance in my life... mental life is rich, detailed, and frequently the preference nowdays. Physical and social life is poor to actually something I'm afraid of doing any more.
So... I don't know how... But I need to sit with that and feel it somehow.
I need to become part of a group where I don't feel like I'm threatened or going to be judged or rejected. (god, this makes me near cry to think of... gah!)
I need to exercise and get the physical stuff synced up with the mental and emotional stuff.
Meditation, yoga, tai chi, are all spiritual cults for the most part and I'd need to hold my tongue too much! So I'm a bit stuck with that part tbh.
But... I think this makes sense.
Oh, and I'm sure someone will say "yeah, neurodivergent ppls have higher sensitivity" etc or whatever but I think that shit is just chicken or egg at this stage. Who cares.
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