Internal conflict

So often I get treated like what I've been through is an inconvenience, that it's something that needs accommodating, that it's something others need to cater for.

So often I get judged and manipulated, gaslit, invalidated, undermined, steamrolled and bullied because my history is too far beyond what others are comfortable believing.

I spent 18 months in an abusive rehab program where all they did was tell me how unbelievable my experiences were. They manipulated and bullied me and I had no choice but to let them.

And before anyone says that they agree with this place and this practice, they are coming under scrutiny and I may even get my chance to speak out against what they did and the danger they put me in.

• My experiences go into the darkest of places and say "they exist"
• My experiences challenge the "normal" biology and say "it happens"
• My experiences challenge the capacity one can hold and say "there's more"
• My experiences go beyond what is deemed normal or usual or "just as it should be" to say "this is what is"

I've had so many people disregard me, accuse me and try and fit me in what they want to see. But I will never be something they can fit in their worldview, because my existence already shatters people's idea of normal and says "you're wrong". My life is one of many that came before and after me, to deny my experiences and call me a liar? Well that's just denial of the depravity that is out there.

Knowledge is power, to stand tall, to stand firm, to say that I won't be silenced by your limited capacity. Regardless of what anyone believes, my body keeps the score and I'm reminded every day of what I've been through and what I still have to face.

I have a church that is learning, a faith that is strong and a future that proves the doubters wrong.

The be clear is to be kind.

Trauma isn't an issue that needs fixing, it's not something that needs accommodating, it is an experience that has changed how we see and interact with the world. It is something that doesn't make the person any less valuable, any less important, any less beautiful or kind or intelligent.

What we see on here is the tip of the iceberg into all that we are and who we are capable of becoming.

It is in true community that we shine because we're not just another issue that needs seeing to, we are human beings of value and importance.

We are people who matter.

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All week I've felt like just another issue, someone that has different needs but isn't worth getting to know, isn't worth loving. I've felt pretty worthless because I've felt like 'just another issue'.

• I've had my triggers dismissed
• I've been ignored
• I've been invalidated
• I've been silenced
• I've been an object rather than a person

Even today, when I'm so scared, just trying to cope, trying to break through the darkness, it felt like I was pushed back into it when I reached out for help. It told me "I should've stayed in my cave".

You know that inner critic? The one that tells you "you were stupid to trust them" or or "haven't you learned already, you don't matter" or "no one's going to believe you" or "you're better off on your own, they just hurt you". I've been dealing with them all week, trying so hard to prove them wrong.

But when the world repeats the same thing your inner critic does? Your abuser did?

What then?