Don’t know what’s going on, even more confused then usual

Hi @IRIS5

I'm hearing that these new/increasing symptoms are pretty confusing for you, and the bouncing between community care to hospital and back again is frustrating and even more confusing.

While I can't speak from my own experience, I wonder if there are other community members here who have experienced something similar.

While you're waiting for those members to fins your post, I just wanted to pop by and welcome you to the forums and highlight the courage it takes to reach out in a new space.

Hey @IRIS5

I can see that @Ru-bee has jumped in with some lovely words of support and a warm welcome, and I wanted to wish you a warm welcome to the community as well.

First, I want to say that I hear you. That cycle between community health and the hospital is incredibly draining and invalidating, especially when you're already feeling like you're losing your grip on what is real.

I have spent a lot of time in the past few years supporting a close family member who lives with BPD and chronic dissociation, and while I am not a professional nor have the lived experience of having those conditions, I have sat in that 'confused' space with them many times. A few things stood out to me in your post that might be worth thinking about:

It is sadly very common for people living with BPD to get caught in that loop. Please don't take the hospital's discharge as a sign that you don't need help; it's often just a sign that they are not equipped for long-term care (which is unfortunate).

It also makes complete sense that you're noticing physical symptoms like twitching now that you're paying closer attention to the dissociation. Sometimes, when we finally look directly at our trauma or our 'numbness,' the body starts to release that stored tension in strange ways.

You mentioned in your post that you feel like a different person when you're present. In the context of BPD, identity can feel quite fluid for some. Whether it's a mood swing or a deep dissociative shift, it sounds like your mind's way of trying to protect you from the pain you mentioned.

When the confusion feels like a fog, try to focus less on 'solving' the diagnosis and more on soothing your nervous system. Deep pressure (like a weighted blanket or even having a pet sit on your lap), strong scents, or even holding something very cold can sometimes act as an anchor when you feel yourself drifting away.

You are not alone in this, even when it feels like the professional systems are failing you. Keep reaching out!

Hi @IRIS5

I found https://www.bpdfoundation.org.au/ and https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/ was a good starting point for me when I was supporting a friend. We found that it was useful to do our own research first and then my friend narrowed down what they were looking for.

I wonder if it would be helpful to find someone who can help you make sense of the twitching you are experiencing? To start with you've noted it correlates with you talking about your dissociation, so that is something you could also mention. Social workers, Occupational Therapists and counsellors who have some understanding of BPD and/or somatic and 'parts' work might be able to explore the twitching a bit more possibly.

What you are doing now, talking to community mental health is also a good starting point. Do you feel able to ask them about what help you need or want?