Relationship anxiety

Hello and welcome @K222 💛

I thought I would stop by to let you know that I have experienced both health and relationship anxiety in a big way, but over time this has subsided. Therapy, exposures, and self-soothing practices have been extremely helpful in allowing these part to heal - so let this be your reminder that our fight/flight response can absolutely change over time. ☺️

Would you feel comfortable sharing a bit more about how this is showing up for you and what supports you currently have? This may give me some more insight so that I can provide the most helpful reflections.

Looking forward to hearing from you. ✨

Hey thank you for the reply I really appreciate it. Knowing that it can be changed over time is a relief.

with relationships anxiety I don’t know what causes it, maybe abandonment as a child, maybe seeking perfectionism that isn’t there, relationships that have hurt myself and others. Maybe because I’m not settled in life and I don’t have a proper routine as I find it very difficult. I have of other stresses, not settled mind constantly in confusion. Hypertimulated. Nervous system overload.

as soon as I get close to someone or even first date, rather than enjoying the company I instantly start scanning for flaws, physical and emotional. I then spot something that I don’t like and instantly want to run. I then force myself to stay as I want a relationship and to see how they go to see if I grow and develop an emotional bond. Then the staying to see it grow just caused stress and anxiety the whole time.. what if this, what if that… I don’t want to hurt her.. physical anxiety sensations, but all this is putting myself through physical and mental stress impacting on all other areas of my life, that need to be sorted too.

Then when I’m calm and my nervous system is not on alert I’m relaxed and think ah I want to see her, I miss her, she understands me, she’s always so nice . Then if I go or think about it, it would cause stress and anxiety. What if all my scanning starts again then i hurt her again. But my body will rarely let me be calm. I then get to deep of an emotional bond, then start to stress myself out as it’s too deep.. what if it doesn’t work, I’m going to hurt her if it doesn’t work down the line. What if I never get over these things. Then I get anxious about seeing them and letting it naturally develop. Then I end things. Then I get some sort of releif, no pressure. But it’s like this everytime and my body won’t allow me to develop naturally into a relationship. Obviously not ready for one until I sort it all out but still!

and the health anxiety has 3 triggers which now have spiralled!!!

That would be a very long paragraph lol.

sorry for the long reply but it’s nice get it off my chest🙂

Hello @K222,

I am so sorry for my delay!!

We only get notifications for direct messages if we are tagged, (by pressing the @ button and then the person's name), so please @ me next time so I don't miss anything. I want to make sure I get to you quicker next time! 🥰

Your reflections around root causes sound spot-on and very relevant for those of us who have experienced attachment wounding - abandonment is often a trigger, and a very valid one. Relationships are so complex and they naturally activate many of our unconscious triggers that mirror our early childhood experiences. For example, if connection with our caregivers was unstable, unpredicatable, or conditional, it can absolutely create a nervous system that feels hypervigilant to emotional closeness and what that might mean for our safety.

You mentioned something focal here: 'But my body will rarely let me be calm', and, 'When I’m calm and my nervous system is not on alert I’m relaxed and think ah I want to see her, I miss her, she understands me, she’s always so nice.'

Often, when we are calm (or regulated), our most authentic thoughts and feelings come to us. So, I wonder if working with a therapist on ways to find safety in your body could be a helpful place to start? 💛