MoonContributor
Schizoaffective (depressive type)
Hi there, I decided to join this community and hopefully be able to converse with other people that are going through similiar things. I kind of have social interaction issues, so the idea of 'group therapy' is something that terrifies me, while an online forum is more comfortable.
I was diognoised as having depression at around the age of 14. My doctor did not want to put me on any medication because she thought I was too young. It was a really hard struggle for me, especially at that age as well, because I was trying to deal with an erray of complicated thoughts and trying to 'find myself'.
When I was 20 I had my first 'episode' where I was convinced I was communicating with deceased musicians and that I was channeling their words. I wrote 30,000 words over one weekend and didn't sleep the whole time (day or night). I also thought there were bad spirits trying to hurt me and aliens around at night time. I was pretty much terrified to sleep during the night. This whole episode went on for over six months. I managed to hide it all and not tell anyone, mainly saying I was working on 'spiritual things'. Ironically, I realised that I had a problem, after I was in touch with someone who believed the same things as me, but turned out to be trying to take advantage. It was however a blessing really, because it made me try and think a bit different.
After this episode, I went to the doctor. But I was scared to tell them about what had happened (plus I was also still terrified at night and had a lot of anger issues). So this time I was placed on anti-depressants. I noticed that they helped aliviate all of the fear and did stabalize me a little bit. I still felt quite depressed, but just thought it was my fault and 'how it was'.
8 years later after having a major depressive episode (and still in it) where I constantly have trouble trying to do the normal daily things, like eating, showering, conversing and having a lot of trouble with communication, thinking, memory etc, I decided to get help and be truthful about it.
I thought, that in telling the truth for the first time this would be easy. However, it wasn't. I went through a doctor who didn't believe me, a mental health clinic that said I had mild depression and would not allow me to be assessed correctly. I changed doctors four times before I found one that would point me in the right direction and finally speaking to a psychatrist. He diognosed me as having schizoaffective disorder (depressive type) and it finally made sense.
There have been some really hard struggles for me, and I still have to fight hard each day. For a long time I blamed myself and considered myself lazy and unmotivated. Now I can actually understand myself a lot better too, and hopefully continue to move forward.
