School refusal

Hi @no_more_ideas

I am in Melbourne and unfortunately they had not developed an approach to school refusal while I needed it for my son.

I also had my son in private education when he school refused. We tried a few things but in the end I could not pay for fees for the following term if he did not go. I have been at my wits end and cobbled together some learning experienc es for him.

It would probably be good to get her into Distance Ed if she wants go to uni. That way she has structured learning in the meantime. It took a long time for me to face up to the idea that he was not going and I kept finding alternatives.

I have also spoken to so many parents who experienced similar things with girls.

For whatever reason the school system does not suit everybody. If she can accept the work aspect in Distance Ed, she might be able to settle while you manage your son. It is a lot to handle.

Its great you do take care of you.

Thanks @Appleblossom. The Victorian program is restricted and linked to a university. It hasn't been around that long. I know your son is no longer in need of it but in case you're interested or there's someone out there who is, here's a link to a Radio National program about school refusal and the Victorian program http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/rnafternoons/school-refusal/7429558 (click on download audio under the headline).

I'll ring the Department of Education tomorrow about Distance Ed. They were very negative and reluctant to take her on when I last enquired. But she's OK with the work, just not the social aspect, so it's worth a go.

Actually I know one of the guys attached to it socially ... It might have been me jumping up & down that helped convince them they needed to do something.

Hi @no_more_ideas

I'm happy to say that I have first hand experience with school refusal and can relate to your experience. My son began refusing to go to school back in 2013 when he was in Year 8. It all started with a day off here and there, and then a week off, and then weeks off, which then turned into terms, etc. Nothing I did was sufficient to procure a change in him. We tried everything and had full support from his clinical psychologist, psychiatrist and the school. Throughout all of this he maintained a desire to continue with his eduation, but this desire did not match up with his actions. We changed school 5 times in total - 3 regular schools and 2 special need schools. He has had two inpatient stays in hospital - one in 2015 for 1 month and another in 2016 for 8 months in a residential care program. Both have not been able to flick him out of the state he was in. He has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder and he is on medication which is still being tweeked in order to find the best therapeutic match.

Ha, I had to laugh. My son also had(s) dreams of becoming a psychologist and yet is unable to muster up the discipline to get through one day, let alone a week or course of study. He is also intelligent and gets good (above average) results with no effort.

My son has done the alternative options, such as Distance Ed, but it made no difference. He is now being referred to a Transition to Work programe through the Dept. of Ed as all else has failed and will be going on a disability support pension.

I don't want to come across as a "no hope" scenario, but I want you to at least entertain the thought that things may not pan out as you would like. I used to stress enormously over his non-attendance, like it was the be all and end all of life. I dropped that and am now content and happy just to have him safe and stable at home. I've come to a place where I am happy with what is, as opposed to what could be.

In saying that please don't give up and continue trying to support your daughter, but not at the expense of her or your well-being. Keep on doing self-care things like exercising etc.

I'd love to know how things pan out so please keep posting.

Love

Janna

Thanks so much @Janna for your reply and wisdom. I have to admit, what you wrote shook me for a few hours. I hadn't really thought in those terms. As you would have experienced, it's so hard to see the child you love failing to launch. You want so much for them.....but maybe, they're just unable to do it for themselves, without our support or not.

I've just brought my freshly diagnosed Bipolar 1 son back on the plane from a mental health unit this morning. I'm coming to accept the carer's role for him and the not-expecting; the just-hoping for no dramas. To care for two long term? Maybe a bit much for me to digest at the moment.

Struggling to see the positives today. I'm usually grateful and try to see the good things but today my glass isn't half full. It's empty.

I'm sorry that my experiences rocked you, however, you have to understand that my son is at the extreme end of school refusal. Many other adolescents that were in the same facility as him and/or attended the special needs school have much better outcomes than what my son did. Some even manage to integrate back into mainstream school, while others do very well with Distance Education. No two adolescents will be the same.

I'm sorry to hear that you have a son with Bipolar as well and are his carer. You certainly must have your hands full between him and your daughter. I hope you have some supportive friends you can lean on from time to time as that helps enormously.

We all have good and bad days. I guess the key to surviving is not to look too far into the future and just deal with each day as it presents itself. If your world is anything like mine, you just never know what's around the corner. You've just got to go with the flow and remember that you are doing the best you can.

Keep posting as I'd love to know how things pan out with your daughter.

Take care

Janna

I'm new to this forum, and know this post is about 6 months old, but wanted to reply as we are also experiencing school refusal with our 14 year old daughter, and would love to know how some of this has panned out, as well as letting you know you're not alone. First of all @no_more_ideas, I just wanted to say how much I feel for you, dealing with the issues of both your daughter and son. I am finding it hard enough just dealing with one child's anxiety and depression. As @Janna said, I hope you are getting the support you need.

Our daughter has been diagnosed this year with anxiety and depression, and is also medicated. She attended school last year, but half way through the year decided to become selectively mute in all her classes! She talked to her friendship group socially, but that was it. There were also a lot of vague "symptoms" such as tingling limbs, headaches, stomach aches, dizziness, etc, which meant she gradually begain missing more and more school. Very stressful for both my husband and I, who were both working full-time, trying to juggle the more and more frequent sick days. If we made her go to school, we would just get a phone call from the school nurse during the day telling us to come pick her up - it wasn't worth it. I will add that she has seen doctors, even had an MRI to determine if any physical problems, but all is fine.

She convinced herself she hated her high school, and achieved a place in a gifted and talented programme at another local high school for 2017. (She is really smart - which makes it all the more frustrating). Changing schools was completely her choice, and I think she thought it would solve all her problems, but I knew deep down it wouldn't. This year she attended her new school for Year 9, for maybe about half of Term 1. The school was amazingly supportive given she was a new student, but the sick days became more frequent again. She was finally admitted to an adolesecent mental health unit towards the end of term 1, after episodes of self harm and expressing suicidal intent. For all intents and purposes, she really hasn't been back to school properly since. She had a stint of a few weeks in term 2 working in student services for a couple of hours, and even sat her NAPLAN (her choice) in a separate room, but just was not able to stay at school the full day. She was admitted to hospital a second time after this, and has not been to school at all since. I have had to take unexpected leave from work this year to look after her and make sure she is safe. I am staring down the barrel of not really being able to go back next year - I'm a secondary teacher, and the workload and inflexibility with my schedule is just too difficult to juggle with the care my daughter needs.

We tried Distance Ed, as I thought that taking out the social aspect of school would work for her, but it has been a disaster. The school have been great, but it is real school, with schedules and assessments, and she is just unable to cope with the demands. It's a bit embarrassing, because I pushed for her to be able to do it, and after the second week she just couldn't cope. She has been recommended by CAMHS to participate in an intensive day therapy programme next year, three days a week which incorporates some school. I think this sounds ideal, but at the moment she hates the idea. Also I guess, signing up for that really does seal the deal that she is no longer in the mainstream school system - like your kids, she also wants to go to Uni. However, rather her do something that sitting around home every day doing nothing. More and more I am coming to realise that I have to let go of expectations that I had for her, and that the biggest priority is keeping her safe, and hoping that eventually she can find her way.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope in sharing my experiences it might help you to realise you are not alone in this.

This is my first post. I did a search for 'school refusal' and this one popped up. So much of what you said resonates with me - even to the point of being seemingly unable to continue my work as a teacher this year due to school refusal. It is embarrassing, especially when I know the efforts that have been made to accommodate my daughter and son at the school (I have two children, one about to start year 7 and the other in year 8, who both have diagnosed anxiety and tendencies to depression). I'll continue searching the forums for more 'good outcome' stories, but in the meantime hope that you could share your success from 2018?!

Hi Dias

i haven’t been on the forums for a long time. For some reason this notification stood out to me! I have some wonderful positive news to share about both my children - I’ll do it when I’m at a computer and not on my phone but I just wanted to let you know there is hope. I can’t believe the turnaround in my family’s life. Your post has made me think about how far we’ve come and I’m internally cheering at a coffee shop! And tearing up a little. Back soon.