Adult Child (growing up in the 90s/2000s)

Hi @muso23 , that is an insightful reflection. I have a very poor memory of my childhood in primary-school years, and I also was late-primary-school-aged when the 9/11 attack happened so I do not have a clear memory it. But I remember the changes that it caused, and the subsequent years of war and terrorist-awareness and attacks.

My father-in-law served in the Afghanistan war on multiple tours. I have only ever heard him talk of it once; I know it was very difficult and traumatic for him, even though he has thankfully not be severely affected with PTSD to the degree many are.

I have often thought about the perspective of opposing sides in a war with regard to WWII, I guess because when I have travelled overseas I have seen accounts from German and Allies perspectives which make me think. Most foot-soldiers in traditional wars are serving their country, and not necessarily 'extremists' in ideologies (even the Germans, not all of them ascribed to racist beliefs). It is sad. I have heard a lot of tales though of opposing soldiers giving deep respect and compassion to each other, recognising that the other is also a normal human serving their country.

@AlwaysMyself thank you for your response.

My parent most certainly has PTSD. They came back from the sandpit very different each time. I am the eldest of two, my other parent struggled and my sibling was difficult (undiagnosed something for sure). As an adult I’ve been diagnosed with GAD, ASD and ADHD - but I feel as if my childhood was taken away from me, I assumed the role of a caregiver while my parent was deployed. So the reflection of ‘terrorist’ also means more. My parent is also not in infantry. They had more control and power during these conflicts, so their job potentially makes others terrorists too…

While at the shrine yesterday a civilian was talking to a member of their party and mentioned ‘they tried to only get the bad guys, but they weren’t very good at it, they just kinda got everyone’. True or not, perspective is so important and I don’t think this persons view is unique.

also, I think it’s important that I mention I respect my parent and I am proud of them. Just I feel a heaviness in my being. I’m not coping.

thanks for reading

Hey @muso23

Firstly, welcome to the forums! It's very brave to reach out in a new space. I hope you find it a really supportive and welcoming community.

It sounds like you are sitting with some incredibly heavy thoughts today as you reflect on your parent's time serving in Iraq and Afghanistan and grappling with the word terrorist and what this means for you. Reflecting on whether your parents fit into that word for you can understandably bring up some challenging emotions and feelings. Particularly when you identify that you were at home acting as a caregiver during their service.

It is completely valid to recognise that you respect your parents and are proud of them, but are struggling to process all this and are sitting with a heaviness in your chest.

You have done really well to reach out into this space and seek some support as you navigate these thoughts.

If you need one-on-one support, guidance or information about mental health contact, please don't hesitate to connect with your support people like family, friends, a doctor, or mental health professional, or you can check out Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636 (24/7) or online chat (daily 3pm - midnight AEST)

That sounds like a very difficult childhood for you @muso23 , and having to "grow up" before a child should have to. I often feel grief so what I see as my lost childhood years also; depression and trauma took away what should have been carefree and joyous years for me as a child. I hear you when you say "I feel as if my childhood was taken away from me".

I think there are many factors that lead people toward (what I perceive as) true 'terrorism' -- I don't think any single person can be accountable for that, other than the individual themselves. But they will certainly have had a lot of factors which have led to them pursuing that line of thinking and worldview. Regardless though, it is sad that it happens for the pain and loss it brings families and friends on both sides.

You are very mature to be able to see and respect both sides of the picture. I hear you in your deep respect and care for your parents. 😊

Heaviness can be hard to sit with, especially alone. I am here with you, if you would like. I am willing to chat about how this heaviness feels, or what might help lift it.

I have heard for some people, when they feel overwhelmed or overburned, it can be helpful to use some grounding or mindful techniques. For example, some people find "box breathing" a good focus, or naming 5 of each sights/sounds/tastes/smells/touch.

Is there things that you can think of that have helped in the past?

It's OK if not, there is no wrong answers. 🙂 I don't always know what I need or will help me.

@AlwaysMyself - thank you. The listening means more to me than you realise.

I often do the box breathing, as a muso who plays a wind instrument it helps. I also do like the sense activity. However the feeling is a bit more than normal. I plan on reaching out to Open Arms to book a 1 on 1. I have seen a psych in the past who is great but I’m hoping someone with a bit more knowledge on the ADF might help me feel understood. I also am going to go to the gym after I have something to eat this morning. 🙂

Seeking support from people experienced with ADF sounds a great idea @muso23 . Did you know the forum also has a section for Veterans and their families? I haven't spent time in those threads, as I have not experienced it - but I know there are members here also who do.

I was wondering if you were a musican, from your username 😁. I played the flute for a number of years as a pre-teen age. You definitely need good breath control for playing wind instruments well! I think I was better at breathing back then, than I am now 😂.

I hope the gym is good (enjoyable, or feels good on the muscles, or however it is for you). 😊

@muso23

I am a muso too, and lately (10 years ago) have taken up a wind instrument. The arts can help us mediate many of these issues. Anyway , I hope...

I appreciate your reflective posts. I hope it can be a credit to you and find a place of inner acceptance, but war is so complicated. So many aspects on different sides with any conflict but also within each side... eg hierarchies and with all the grief and moral rekonning.

My father took me to both Melbourne and Sydney shrines. He died when I was 11. They are quiet and respecftul memories and I am glad he showed me, otherwise I would have little to anchor my Australian side. He was in the Navy and helped clear the Coral Sea at end of WWII.

I later studied political science and tried to understand the circumstances in which conflicts arise, more than being judgmental about any one side. Then around 9/11 I actually did not like the overuse of the word "terrorist" from the beginning. I am sorry you are in the position where you are reversing the role. Do what you need to do to come to terms with family in the services. I am glad you will get some support from Open Arms. I actually was betrayed by a very overprivileged American family, including a woman (ex sister in law) who banged on about terrorism, but manipulated my daughter by many overseas trips, and did many boundary violations towards me. I had hoped because they were educated they would talk about important things with intelligence and care, but they did not. They just pushed their own convenience and self interest, at my expense, though I did very many GOOD things for them. Sometimes multiple microagressions are overlooked while someone is banging on about some terrorist, or devil or demon. Nowadays when people go on about one side or another in a virtue signalling manner, I am wary. I take a step back, and gently strive for some nuance. Human history is full of wars, with most ethnicities having many struggles, that usually arise from unequal access to resources and past grief and trauma. Yes, the foot soldiers are often doing what they believe is right in support of their country.

My last thought, is a story from my Dutch grandfather, who escaped from a labour camp in WWII. At the end of the war, the Dutch had to billet German soldiers in their houses. Starvation was massive. He was hiding in the attic listening to BBC on the radio, and the family were terrified when the soldiers heard the noise and found him. However they were exhausted by the war and just wanted it over, and were more keen to sit, share smokes and listen to the radio in friendship with him, than harm him. He cautioned me not to be racist or blame all Germans. I found that generous from his point of view. Yes the Dutch also did wrong things.

All my life I have met many Germans and often felt closer to them than the average Aussie due to shared European heritage and... music and the arts... so its weird... and complicated. One german introduced me to a wonderful female artist called Kathe Kollwitz. I have her prints ... of the revolt of the weavers (19th century), a UN poster called "Germany's children are starving" (between the wars) a self portrait and mother and child. Kollwitz was a doctor's wife and saw a lot of tragedy.

Generally I am dissappointed in the quality of discussion about these important things. I hoped the iinternet would bring knowledge and thoughtfulness, but the algorithms tend to prioritise hype, which pushed intelleigence out of the way. So I really do appreciate that you are honestly trying to grapple with the issues. Dont be too hard on yourself or your family.

Hugs @AlwaysMyself

@Appleblossom , i think that is a very wise and thoughtful response. 😊 i also appreciate the opportunity to learn a little more a bout ypur background. That would have been so scary for your grandfather and the people whose home he was staying it! How much relief they would have felt when the soldiers decided not to turn him in and instead to share together as humans. 🥰.

"I had hoped because they were educated they would talk about important things with intelligence and care, but they did not."

Not sure if you have read some of my frustrations with a particular relative of mine recently, but i very much relate to this comment. My relative is very well educated and in some areas is a very good critical thinker (obviously has the ability to!!) but has always been one-eyed with particular topics, and it seems as they are getting older this is becoming more and more topics and more and more dominant and dogmatic without any willingness to look at the "evidences", fact-check, or even socially debate perspectives. There is nothing I/we can do to change another person, and any comments on these dogmatic views only sparks verbal aggression (in my relative), so my strategy is to avoid these topics and ask to change topics and not engage at all until they change topic (which usually tales another few minutes for them to finish their rant before they will change topics). This person also is not good at two-way conversations at the best of times either 😅, so there is that too lol.

@muso23 hope you're feeling a little less heavy today.