Unknown userMember
Lost
I am almost 50, and feeling lost, isolated and rejected. I was born into 2 families that were in the midst of generational trauma, which was passed on to most children of my generation. I was isolated in my first week of life with my mother continually trying to get more than 2 hours of time. The next 9 months my mother descended into post natal depression, and gave birth to my brother severely premature. He died 4 weeks later, and for the next 2 years I was neglected at times and also witnessed my parents screaming at each other becoming exponentially worse each week. I was then placed in my grandmother's care after my father was jailed for marijuana, which he used to blow in my face,and my mother was severely depressed and was neglecting to care for me properly. I was returned to her care a year later and at that time I was expected to assist with the housework. At 5 yrs old she remarried my stepfather who was an interstate truck driver who was later diagnosed with agoraphobia . The next 2 years we moved a few times until we moved into what was going to be our family home. At this time as well as helping with cooking and cleaning, I was also expecting to chop the firewood daily in winter and mow the lawns year round. My brother was born when I was 8 and a half, and I was regularly asked to change nappies and help with babysitting duties, that was repeated when my 2nd brother was born. I also was born with adhd. Through out my Childhood I was smacked and punched. My stepfather was 6 foot 3, and around 150 kg. I was constantly receiving punishment because I was constantly seeking attention and approval which meant I engaged in incredibly stupid behaviour. I was also sexually abused as a child. I spent most of my 20s looking for a role model whilst also trying to be my own as I had my first child at 21. For the next 14 years I strived to be the cultural example that our society bases itself on. Unfortunately, my past trauma surfaced and to my horror after the fact, I passed that trauma on to my children, and it all culminated in a manic episode that lasted 3 days and caused my 3 daughters to reject me. I returned to my home state to try and rebuild my life and after a few years I started a new relationship that gave me hope for my future. Recently, my now ex, revealed that she had been struggling for around 18 months and had been talking to someone else for the last month and that they had feelings for this person. Due to my being honest even when it's detrimental, and what has been described as overeagerness, I have no friends or family. I have also in the last 2 years been diagnosed with adhd, cptsd, a depressive, anxiety and bing eating disorder, sleep apnoea, diverticulosis
IBS, fibromyalgea, osteoarthritis in my knees, hips, lower back and shoulders, and a slight lactose intolerance. I have met thousands of people and told myself that I had to be the bigger person and not to react to people who are being detestable humans, and as such have been continuously condemned and judged for my own mistakes which I fully acknowledge and take responsibility for. I am now lost alone,with the same debt that I entered when I started this last relationship 8 years ago, I have helped thousands of people in my life with my time money and physical effort and now at my lowest point in life I feel abandoned and rejected, are there any other people who feel this way?
