LittlenhuyCasual Contributor
I just need to vent my symptoms because I feel trapped. What should I do?
I am a husband and a father to a 5 month old daughter who means everything to me. Since her birth my mental state has deteriorated significantly. I love my family deeply but I feel increasingly disconnected frightened and overwhelmed and I’m struggling to stay present with them.
For many years prior I lived with addiction including substances and compulsive behaviours and accumulated significant debt. Over the past 3 to 4 years I have been actively trying to live clean repay debts and do the right thing. I carry a lot of guilt and shame about my past and feel a strong need to make amends.
Recently I’ve been experiencing intense anxiety fear and spiralling thoughts. I feel watched followed or observed especially while driving or in public places. Ordinary events such as cars motorbikes people glancing at me traffic lights colours or timing feel extremely meaningful and directed at me. I interpret these as signals or messages even though I can’t clearly explain who they’re from or what they want.
I feel an overwhelming urge to meet whoever I believe is behind these signs. I feel compelled to follow cars turn around or change routes to not miss an opportunity. At one point I reacted to a perceived signal at an intersection and chased after a vehicle running a red light before stopping. This frightened my wife and made me realise my reactions are becoming unsafe.
Emotionally I feel terrified trapped confused and desperate. I believe that something wants something from me and that if I can just meet them apologise or surrender the fear will stop and I’ll be allowed to live peacefully and raise my daughter. I feel an intense need to beg for forgiveness even though I don’t fully understand from whom or for what.
Because of this I’m constantly scanning my environment for signs and patterns. This makes it very hard to focus work drive or enjoy time with my family. I dissociate zone out and become visibly anxious which my wife notices and worries about. I feel like I’m missing precious moments with my baby which increases my panic and grief.
I’ve had thoughts about avoiding or stopping medication because I fear it will block my ability to perceive these signals even though part of me knows this may not be safe. I’ve contacted Lifeline but it hasn’t felt sufficient for what I’m experiencing. I feel I urgently need psychiatric help not just crisis counselling.
Overall I feel like I’m in a constant state of fight or flight. I’m scared of making the wrong move scared of missing something important and scared that my mental state is putting my family at risk which is the last thing I want. My deepest wish is simply to be present calm and safe with my wife and daughter.
background- I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
the persecution got so bad I left South Australia to move to a small town in WA to avoid it. However it has followed me here. I’m afraid there is no escape hence I’ve been trying to confront them to seek their forgiveness.
guys honestly I just want to raise my daughter. I just fed her avocado puree the other night and she is the sweetest thing.
is anyone out there feeling trapped or can give me some advice? I know I’m probably being tracked as I type this (delusion speaking) but I can’t help it. My mindset has changed.
