Hi @Former-Member that sounds very hard and I can relate by my own experience.
I wonder if your family are the oldschool culture of "only the toughest will survive" and "lets use group coercion to gang up on someone so they join the cult of domination, or, they get locked outside to freeze to death" cause it seems like that's the way based on what you describe.
My family is like that and I can relate similar experiences to being treated so badly - you react out of anger and shame - they say "ha ha look at the psycho! look how psycho they are!" when you're not psycho, you're responding to rejection, ostracism and persecution that is done by them to who they perceive is the least obedient to the cult mindset.
After I left my family I was relieved to find that when I wasnt there to be the scapegoat, they just picked on someone else and all I could find was relief - oh it wasn't me, (someone else) is the scapegoat now so nothing they did to me was personal its all a part of the persecution/scapegoating game. When I removed myself from being the target of their persecutions i removed myself from the guilt of responding in an equally nasty/abusive manner. I was cured by leaving the sick culture of family but also adrift in the world with no life skills, no social skills, no self esteem.
Fast forward 10 years in my life I found HOW TO MOVE ON.....was:
a) never forget the actual abuse, pain and trauma - looking back with nostalgia and rose coloured glasses was an ongoing source of pain.
b) be secure and confident in a positive approach to my life..."I was abused and persecuted but I am free from those people now. I have to move forward into a life of independent satisfaction with only myself to rely on"
c) recognise and own the losses but also count the gains "I feel sad at Christmas because I wish my family were with me, but I also wish they were different people. I spent 30 christmases upset and sad due to their abuse, I will feel sad from being alone but also I have space in my life to put non-abusive people and situations and I would rather be bored/empty than to be angry/abused".
d) recognise the depths of their evilness but try not to retraumatise yourself "They ripped me off and starved me, they humiliated me to get a reaction but my reaction was to get away from them. I won't be ripped off anymore and I will become a person who is generous to others because i know how much it hurts to be ostracised"
e) It is entirely natural to mourn and grieve people who you used to know and to be plagued with memories of good times, even if there were few your mind will play tricks to get you back there. Its very human to need a tribe and YOU NEED TO REPLACE THE ABUSIVE TRIBE with a better quality arrangement of people.
f) Moving forward: rebuilding a life that is based around your true values, even if it takes a long time. Like being burned by a fire, you know what it feels like to be burned and run away from the fire but you may not know how to survive after being treated and surviving, so yes you will have scars and yes you will have trauma but these keep you trapped in the past and even if it costs a lot of time and money, to keep moving away from the bad times and to genuinely bring better times into your life is healing the pain from the horrible fire.
g) Not getting sucked into the past/holding grief forever, this for me has been the very hardest part to define the grief, to recognise it as grief and to let it go. They key to me for letting go of the grief, to equate it to a metaphor was like having two piles of bricks. One pile of bricks very large, was grief and pain. Then "my life" was only a few bricks. And I had to pick up each brick of grief and pain, I had to study it, value it, and....when you want to throw it away because its horrible, you have to stack that brick into 'your life' as something of meaning. So in the end you have the same number of bricks, braincells or memories or whatever they are, but they have to be YOUR BRICKS which is "your house" which is YOUR LIFE which is that energy can't be created or destroyed, it can only change form. so you have to change the form from grief, sorrow, shame and pain into contentment, joy, pride and strength. and if you look at those words each is a pair of opposites. Then you have to truly feel the positive emotions, for yourself, without needing constant validation, and then thats when you have done the work, I reckon. Thats what I can say after 15 years walking away from being the scapegoat - 5 years of being totally lost and destroyed with grief, 10 years of rebuilding my life so that I am free from a toxic family system.
Yes the family have money and houses and material wealth but they got it from evil sources, evil people, and they danced with the devil, lost their souls to get it. They aren't happy, they are dependent on those things like a drug if they don't have it they implode. Me, I live a humble life with not much but I know that people are happy to see me, I am liked and respected within my version of society, and if my family came back and over the telephone they throw bricks and bombs and spears at me and I just say, thankyou for reminding me of why I sacrificed everything I know to build and have this humble existence. Where I used to be upset for days or go crawling back to the abuse factory now I am upset for minutes and I go and do something that adds value to my life.
Yes I wish they were different but they are not.
I am different now and i am grateful to be free from a horrible and soul destroying life.
I wish that the family would see the light but they have proven themselves unwilling and unable to do so.
Therefore I walk forward in my own life knowing i have been to hell and back but at least I didn't drag other people down there with me.
I hope that my words make sense to you and that you find peace and solace over Christmas.
Likewise I am interested to hear your remedies and strategies about moving forward and out of the painful, horrible situation. Last but not least I am sorry for what you have experienced, especially on your birthday. You deserve to have a happy birthday and to be celebrated and appreciated on that day. But tyrants and unhappy people choose the best times of life to unleash their bitterness, they just can't stand it IF IM NOT HAPPY NO ONE WILL BE HAPPY ESPECIALLY NOT THE BLOODY SCAPEGOAT THAT PERSON WILL NEVER HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON MY WATCH!!!!
Oh yes the scapegoat will have a VERY happy birthday when they are skipping and dancing and headbutting on the outside of the family slaughterhouse. So make sure you defintiely have a merry Christmas and also a happy birthday. Give yourself what they denied 🙂
