Thoughts rolling in my head as I woke this morning , am safe just sharing

I now feel like writting him an angry email also rembering he had the audacity to call me a player when I wasnt even talking to no one else grrrr

hey @LostAngel sounds like there's been a lot on your mind, and it's so valid to be upset and frustrated. i can see how him restarting the relationship and then ending it would've really left you feeling confused.

i also see how hard you are working to stand strong and not let others see how much this has impacted you. it's so normal to want someone you can trust and drop the mask around, someone who makes you feel safe and seen. i thought i'd have to wait for a romantic connection to provide me this, but instead, i found it in my friendships. i hope you're able to find it in other social connections too 💙

i too have had moments where i really wanted to write out how i felt and let the person know how much their words/actions had confused or hurt me. after chatting with my therapist and friends, i realised that any contact i was making with him and every moment i spent even thinking of him, it was like i was giving him attention and control over my thoughts. i didn't want to give him that satisfaction, so i focused on bettering myself and pouring my attention to my friends/my goals instead - it was HARD. much easier said than done - BUT i did do it - and i can say i'm over him finally! would redirecting your thoughts be helpful for you? are there other areas of your life (i.e. friends, work, education, hobbies, etc) that you can redirect that focus to when he pops up in your mind?

also pls know that his actions don't reflect on your worth. you are so worthy of amazing things 💙

Hi @LostAngel ,

I hear you. That's a lot of sadness, hurt and disappointment to carry alone. I'm glad you've reached out for support so that you are not alone in it.

I really love and echo the advice @rav3n gave, especially around friends/family being able to provide for connection and support and directing thoughts and energy towards your goals. I know both these things have helped me too when I have had longterm relationships end.

I recall you noted that you could see that some of his statements were manipulative. I am glad you can recognise that, and I hope you can also see that things he said are not true (I don't know you - yet - so of course I'm in no position to know, but most often when people are angry and blaming others they say things that are hurtful and not true, so I'd take an educated guess that this also applies here).

Sitting with you in this pain you currently feel. It will pass with time, especially as you grow into who you are and what YOU want for life. 🥰

trying Im trying to distract myself to stop spiralling ,Im trying to focus on christmas plans and hobbies but I keep going between silently wanting to cry or ruminating or angry ,I want to call him bad names ,cause I feel hurt and hes probly living now without a care in the world,while Im trying to get out my my emotions ,I wanna cry,I need to cry it out,I wanna get angry at him ,I wanna express my feelings but theres no way to express my feelings to him so Im stuck sitting with the hurt feelings,I wanna scream at him I anna be heard ,I wanna be hugged ,at the end of the day I wanna be loved ,Im such a strong person usually but with this I keep trying to hold back the tears but then I wanna lash out at him ,I wanna be held and hugged and loved, Im trying hard to distract so hard, Maybe I need medication or a therapist ,I need a way to express the built up stuff ,I guess usually I turn to writing to express my feelings,My family at times is wondering whats wrong with me lately why Im like this,but yes christmas is a good focus and unfortunetly though I am not satified to feel seen by friendships ,I need love but cant seem to find it ,I do try to show myself love but its not the same thing because Im still living life so alone and I dont wanna be alone all my life I want love and marriage and children and my own family ,but why is it always my own fault that I dont have those things those goals seem unreachable at this momment it makes me wanna give up on being loved on trying to have relationships if all I ever do is fail at this time and again but then I cant betray my own boundaries to have love so why is love so unfair that it forces you to leave the safety of your boundaries just in order to have it ,please tell me He will regret this one day please tell me hell be sorry for what he did one day please tell me he will look back and feel bad for his actions ,why does the woman have to be left with quilt and responibility each time can he please be sorry one day please cause it hurts me so much right now why hurt someone twice am safe just emotionally hurt might really have to journal

@LostAngel aww hun, sending you warm hugs 💗

it's okay to feel upset and angry. i think suppressing that feeling just makes it heavier hey. please do safely release it (maybe through journaling? art? talking to a therapist? even just crying?).

i think getting a therapist is a nice idea, there's even some that specialise in relationships, and they might be able to help you re-connect in new ways too. it's hard when our family don't get it, i imagine it adds to the lonely feeling. we hear you though. we know how hard it can be to take a leap and trust someone, and how painful it is having that trust betrayed. we can't control over how others treat us, but we do have control over how we treat ourselves and others. i hope you keep showing yourself compassion.

i can see how living on your own, and now with the holidays coming in, the loneliness can feel heavier too. the community is always here for you - i know it's not the same as face-to-face connection, but i hope it can help you feel a lil less alone. we've got some Christmas-themed threads coming in soon, so pls do come join them whenever you want! here's a recent one that a member created today: Elf on the Shelf- Sane forum style! Who’s keen? 🫶

hoping your day gets better 💙

hi @rav3n Ive had a few times of being on the verge of crying but I still havnt let it out yet fully ,Ive written things out,Ive tried lifeline last night for someone outside of family to talk to but fell asleep before they answered ,Ive had lack of sleep at night ,chage of eating also Im not eating as much cause I dont know self punishment or the anger at myself even,am safe just wading through it also in general theres been alot of change around me and that hasnt sat well with me like it stirs up my anxiety,today I realised I just had to sit on the couch for hours and do nothing but listen to music,christmas things are kind of on the backburner for a momment even though thats fast approaching ,I will be spending christmas with family as usual but I just need to take things slow ,Ive gotten a few little christmas knick nacks that are put away in the pantry food wise ,christmas presents will be last minute as usual,for now its a day by day process,end of year bills are also a worry but Im again writting things down,just so over this year to be honest ,Ill try lifeline again tonight,maybe have a look at more threads on here

also just a quick thank you to both @rav3n and @AlwaysMyself for the emotional support and hugs thank you

Hi @LostAngel , sorry for a delay in response, I'm catching up on a backlog of posts to read and respond to.

It sounds like there is a lot of emotions mixing around for you. I'm hearing anger, confusion, guilt, loneliness, possibly some hopelessness?

I'm sorry, I can imagine that is a lot to try and sit with by yourself. I am glad you are reaching out for support.

Did you manage to get onto lifeline for someone to chat to? If so, was it helpful?

Did you end up doing any journaling or other way of expressing your thoughts and feelings?

I wonder, can I ask how you see yourself?

Your qualities and strengths. 😊💪

Sometimes when I feel unloved or hopeless it can help to remember my positive qualities - especially if someone has recently bombarded me with what they view as my "failures" or "flaws" or "problems".

I am glad your family are supportive also.

I also know the feeling of wanting someone more, somewho who *chooses* you. Someone who prioritises you and thinks you are special.

ofc, we're here for you 💙 @LostAngel

good on you for writing things out and trying to reach out to crisis services - it's not easy, but you're trying your best and that counts for a lot.

oh December is the worst month for my bank acc! as much as i love giving gifts, christmas shopping still feels so overwhelming at times. hope the last min gifts go okay! taking it day by day sounds like a good pace 💙