Ghosted

Earlier this year I crossed paths with someone who I have known for over 10 years, we connected and it was honestly a fairy tale. out of all the things that could happen, I fell pregnant from what would have had to of been on the 2nd time we had been together. Long story short, it was agreed to not go ahead with it, but so during that time while it was all going on, things were perfect.

When I told him about the pregnancy, the first thing he said to me was that he was told years ago he couldn’t have kids.

I wasn’t lying, and so i didn’t have anything to worry about and he was honestly so amazing the whole time.

When the day came to get the ultrasound done for the pregnancy, it turned out I had a miscarriage. And then the next day he got up to go to work and i haven’t heard from since.

GHOSTED.

But so it wasn’t a normal sudden miscarriage and so I had to get tests and it was all a big thing and the whole situation just was so cliche and All I’ll say about the relationship is that it looked like a love bomb, but truley it wasn’t, because believe me I’ve spent the last 4 months hoping to find some kind red flag I didn’t see or where I was played.

but so where I’ve got with that is that I realised that deep down I think he had doubts I was telling the truth and that it triggered his past (still only 2 months before ) so no near healed but so it was all just so hectic so fast and he just cut and run when he realised he could.

My last relationship was nearly 4 years ago and was abusive and I was lucky to find out I was pregnant after the DVO, but so I have a 3 year old who’s never met her dad. He was 2 months out of a bad relationship which I’ll say that would be accepted more easily as acts of DV if it was a girl who went through what he did.

A few weeks after he ghosted me I saw he was with a new girl and they had moved into together already and so it’s pretty obvious that the pregnancy obviously meant he had to stick around for that time but in all honestly all of that is pretty shitty and it hurts, but I understand it and Im at peace with it.

The Real Struggle though!

what I am struggling with now is that they are now even broken up and even still not a single word from him. Not a sorry or even did I get a “go away I don’t like you” which it wouldn’t of even had to of been that but even just a “it’s over” or just even a single word but nothing.

And that’s what’s killing me. If he didn’t want to be with me fine, if it was all to much fine, if he loves someone else totally fine! well not fine but you know what I mean.

I just don’t know why he couldn’t have just talked to me, ended things with at least a goodbye, or even if it was a nasty at this point ii don’t care.

I don’t know why it wouldn’t seem easier for him to just want to have that conversation and then that way he doesn’t have to deal with the whole part where it’s like well why wouldn’t you just want to put a end to it so it’s not the horrible left unsaid terrible situation.
part of me thinks that there’s still more to it because any normal guy wouldn’t want to just leave something like that unfinished if they wanting to get with a new chick and whatever and then another part of me thinks that even if he just didn’t care then he shouldn’t have any reason not to just want to even write one message just to be done with it.

but then so part of me also just can’t understand why he would want to go to this much effort knowing that would do to a person.

Even more so that, we had been friends for over 10 years, and even though it all turned to shit, when we were together it was real, because there just wouldn’t be any reason why a guy would want to go out of his way to pretend to be a perfect guy, to then not even wait a day after being told I miscarried then to just never come home.

He could of waited a few days and then said look it’s not working and then been able to end the relationship with being able to look like such a good guy who stuck around while we dealt with that then moved on. All I can say is that he hadn’t planned it very well if he was trying to do some kind of fake thing just while he had too.

but so I just don’t get why he wouldn’t just have a conversation just to get on with it like he’s apparently doing.

And he didn’t even have to pretend to be like he wanted to be with me or say that he loved me and play dad with my kid 😖

I put it down to that he’s trauma triggered and avoiding and I can accept that, I can accept all of it really.

But the fact he still just won’t even have one conversation with me like I’m just nothing and that even though it would be just so much easier, he knows that this is destroying me. It would destroy anyone.

how the hell do I even come back from that or even consider the idea of meeting someone new when someone I’ve known for 10 years and we went through all that can’t even tell me he wants to end things even if it’s just to say I don’t care about you ???

And I don’t know why he would rather be off doing whatever it is he’s doing and not being with me but also knowing that he’s hurting me so much worse then if he had just talked to me.

Anyway it triggered major ptsd and I’ve been in total intentional disassociation just trying to find a way through it.

I just don’t know why it’s all just happened this way.

but it’s how can he just be okay with letting me feel like I’m not even worth a text or that it’s okay to just do that and go through loosing a baby and then just like I’m nothing.