'Good intentions' - how to cope?

Hi @Gwynn

I can hear you're dealing with a very challenging and ongoing situation with your parents where it seems as if the only thing that helps is staying away from them - but doing this isn't really possible either 😐

Not sure if you've heard of the "grey rock" method - but it can be a helpful strategy to use especially in relationships that are toxic or there are other challenging behaviours. It's great to see you reaching out here for some support too 🌿

TunedIn 🌷

Hi @Gwynn , I'm sorry for the situation you are in - sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place both needing their assistance but also they are overstepping the boundaries and not respecting your need for autonomy in your life's decision-making.

Would it be OK if I asked for an example of why type of decisions they are making that impact you, and how the conversation typically would sound when you have tried to have a discussion about how their actions/decisions impact you also?

It's OK if not - just trying to better understand. :).

I guess I am also wondering whether it would be helpful for you to be able to workshop ideas on how to approach/initiate those discussions with your parents to reduce their defensiveness and maybe get them to listen properly to your perspective?

Honestly it’s very subtle and only visible in the pattern. My no has never meant no, if I got upset about anything, I was”acting like a child so I’ll treat you like a child”. Because of my disability, a lot of people will believe my parents over me anyway. It’s been very confusing. A lot of the examples are so specific to me that I don’t feel comfortable posting them on the internet.

@AlwaysMyself response from @Gwynn might be for you 😊

I can imagine that would be very frustrating @Gwynn that they treat you like an adult when you don't agree with their perspective. 😕. I would find that really difficult too. My father is notorious for asking "which would you like?" and then selecting the opposite anyway! I always felt "what was the point of even asking?" because he would always argue with the option we said we preferred if it wasn't his preference, and sometimes even go so far as to say that we couldn't/didn't think that - because he just could not perceive how anyone could see it different to him 😬. My only saving grace was that he did it to my mum and sister also - so I knew it wasn't just a me-thing, it was a him-thing.

Is there any support people that you have who might be able to help support you in advocating for your choice in matters that you feel strongly about?

Or considering whether you would prefer an independent decision-maker / power-of-attorney etc? It is your right to choose whether you would like that to be your parents or someone else. Only you know what is best for you, who will have your best interests in mind; only saying it as a food for thought of how it sits with you.

I think you're brave for speaking up and also for reaching out for advice and seeking help. 🙂 I wish I knew what to suggest to help support you better - and I am hoping some others here may have some ideas/experience too. But I am here with you on this journey to the degree that I am able and that you would like me to be. I hope I can be some social support in that and encourage you in getting your needs met and working out what is the best for yourself.

It’s difficult to unscramble this omelette.

I suspect my mother at least has untreated BPD, so she doesn’t have the capacity to really consider my point of view as not being an attack on her, and they both see themselves as still actively parenting me.

Any attempt at boundaries is seen as childish petulance on my part. It’s really depressing and ultimately dangerous for me that they don’t have insight into how their actions affect me. I wish I knew how to get them assessed, but their GP doesn’t want to know.