Feeling misunderstood

Hey @Kris_stars1 it sounds as though that talk with your SW about your step mum turned out be pretty invalidating, especially when you weren't able to respond without being shut down. Sure, your mum might be right in a very literal sense: it sounds like you didn't "have" to in the sense that you weren't forced to support your step-mum... But what I'm feeling is that due to what you were seeing and the relationship you had with your step-mum for you there was no other option that you would consider other than stepping up and offering that support.

It sounds like it would have been really hard and I'm sorry to hear about her passing.

It's completely understandable to want to talk about what you've been through and share your reflections, I'm sorry that you weren't able to do that today with your mum, but this space is always here for you if you find yourself wanting to delve into that topic again.

Hey @Kris_stars1

Thank you so much for sharing this incredibly difficult and painful experience with everyone. It takes a lot of courage to open up and be vulnerable, so I'm really proud of you for doing so. What your support worker said and how they behaved was profoundly unhelpful, invalidating, and I am so incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. Please know that what you are feeling is a completely normal and understandable reaction to being invalidated about real trauma.

I want you to know that your trauma is NOT a perspective, it was real and factual, and what happened to you was wrong and you were a victim of those actions. Your memories and feelings about those events are valid.

And as for when you stepped up to care for your step-mum, it sounds like that came from a place of love and compassion, and from recognising your dad wasn't caring for her well, which is a deeply empathetic thing to do for another person you care about. I used to be a carer for my sister a few years ago; she didn't have anyone else around who was able to care for her, so I took on that role, not only because no one was available to help, but also because I cared about her. You have nothing to feel wrong about. You made an enormous sacrifice for a loved one, which is incredibly powerful and takes immense strength in itself.

Living with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and Autism while trying to process life's difficulties is incredibly hard. The fact that you keep showing up, reflecting and reaching out for support on here is yet another testament to your strength, even if you can't see that right now in this moment.

It is very clear that this interaction with your support worker was very distressing and sounds like it would have damaged trust in the relationship between you and the worker. Would you be open to seeing another support worker? I also wonder how you feel about maybe supplying feedback/a complaint to the practice about the interaction you had with this worker.

I did notice that you mentioned self-harm in your post, so I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are holding up now. There are several crisis support services available on the website in case you don't feel okay and need immediate support.

Hello @MatchaToad firstly thank you very much for your kind words and for replying to my post.

I'm still feeling very overwhlemed over what my support worker said my entire walk home I was just thinking about everything that had happened to me and the things that I've done moments where I had to step up and I just wonder if I was just wrong and maybe I'm just a bad person who blames others for what has happened to me..it makes me misunderstand myself so much more when I thought this year I was actually starting to understand myself better since I found a new theripst and was getting ready to go through EMDR with her.

But now I just feel awful..scared of people...scared of the world..I shouldn't feel this way but I do..

I write these posts from time to time as a way to help myself find answers and I guess an understanding of what other people say since I often misunderstand the intention of others. But I also write these posts as a hope that it will help me get better in some sort of way. I haven't worked for two years due to how I was treated in the last few months of my old job and then I took over caring for my step mom last year then after she passed I needed to sort everything out like her crememation and super because my dad didn't know how he stepped away the same way he did when he was meant to be caring for her.

These days I just feel useless since I don't work currently because of my mental health and I always felt bad for not working and for being so behind compared others, but from what my support worker said maybe it's all just my prespective and perhaps how I view the world and people is just wrong? but at the same time I don't understand how to view the world or people any different when I've always been treated so wrongly in my family, school, work sure there were good people sometimes but always more bad than good or was it just how I viewed them?

I'm not sure if I want to see another support worker...I feel like the same thing is just going to happen again, I was even judged recently by my GP as well which made me change GP's maybe I'm just too sensitive? I have been told that many times in the past but..feeling judged for things that I cannot control in my own mind just feels awful and it makes me hate myself even more that I can't control it.

I hurt myself [edited by moderator] due to being stressed and overwhelmed by what my support worker had said to me but I haven't done anything serious since calming down I'm just trying to relax and distract my mind from what has happened even though it's hard. What she said keeps echoing in my mind and I keep replaying so many things that have happened to me..it just makes me feel like everything was just my fault and that I deserve to be this way..

Again Thank you for replying to my post and for your kind words they've made me feel bit better.

hey @Kris_stars1 i'm so sorry to hear that you felt shut down and invalidated by your SW. unfortunately not all SW (or professionals in general) are going to be perfect - sometimes they say the wrong thing, we're all imperfect beings after all. it really sucks that the person you wanted to trust has made you feel unsafe and confused. as @MatchaToad shared, your feelings are valid and you absolutely deserve to be supported. it sounds like maybe you'd benefit from talking to a professional who practices trauma-informed care?

i also wanted to link some helplines if you're looking for further support (the forums aren't a crisis or counselling service, we might be limited with the type of support we can provide so i wanted to offer these here too):

• 1800RESPECT
• Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs) 13 11 14
• Suicide callback service (24 Hrs) 1300 659 467
• if unsafe, please call 000 Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)

p.s. i've slighted edited your post to remove specific details around the SH (this is due to our 'limit detailed descriptions guideline which you can check out here)

@Kris_stars1 I'm really glad to hear that you are safe and have been doing your best to relax and distract your mind after what has happened. Definitely try to engage in something that you enjoy doing, or even just allow your body/mind to rest by having a nap.

It is understandable that your support worker's comments would still be echoing through your mind. Their words didn't just question one choice you made; their invalidation has clearly made you question a lot of things, like your reality and your own self-worth. I want you to know that it is natural to feel scared, overwhelmed, and even question whether you are "too sensitive" or a "bad person" after this interaction with your support worker.

Please know that I do not believe you are wrong or bad, and that feeling you are having of being a "bad person" who "blames others" sounds like it would be coming up as a result of being heavily invalidated by someone you believed you could trust and rely on. I want to reaffirm that it truly sounds like your actions came from genuine love and compassion. Not only did you step up to take care of your step-mum, but you handled the cremation and superannuation after her passing because your dad stepped away, which highlights the responsibility, care, and love you have.

I can hear that you are feeling useless because you are not working, and I want to take a moment to try to challenge that idea of your self-worth being tied to your employment status. Right now, your job is recovery and putting yourself first, and that recovery journey is not linear and will have all sorts of twists and bumps along the way. I wonder how you feel about possibly volunteering in the future. If you don't feel like employment is achievable, I know that can give us a sense of purpose and accomplishment. And I can already see that you are doing this by reaching out for support here and trying to relax.

As for your perspective on the world, it is not wrong for your brain to be cautious, protective or even sceptical of others when you have experienced trauma and have been treated poorly by people in key areas of your life. Your experiences are very much real, and you are not "wrong" for observing that you have had more bad experiences than good ones; that is your reality. Trauma also creates a safety-first lens, which makes us highly attuned to potential threats and judgment. This will take time and therapeutic work to help shift that lens.

There is no pressure to immediately see another support worker, especially since you've just had such a horrible experience. You also mentioned being judged recently by your GP, which I am so sorry to hear has happened. I can imagine that the negative experience with the GP and this experience with the support worker have likely made it harder for you to feel safe enough to seek support from professionals. Perhaps after some time, when you feel ready, you could look online to research GP's near you to see if they'll be a better fit e.g. trauma-informed, holistic care. I also recall you mentioning seeing a new therapist to engage in EMDR therapy. Are you still in contact with this therapist? Would you feel comfortable discussing what has happened with her?

Try to be gentle on yourself.

Sadly my current theripst is resigning due to changes in her personal life so my last appointment with her is on the 20th I think I will bring it up to her since she may have a way for me to cope with what happened along with a way forward. I'm on the waiting list already for a new theripst next year where I'll continue my therpy along with starting my EMDR treatment since my theripst said that my mind wasn't ready for EMDR yet since it needs to be more stable first.

Again thank you for your kind words they've made me feel a lot better from what has happened today I'm going to just try my best to relax and do the things I enjoy to get through the evening.

@Kris_stars1

I am so sorry to hear that your current therapist is resigning; that must be tough news to process. I'm sure during your final appointment together, she will give you some helpful coping strategies, resources and recommendations for your path forward.

I'm really happy to hear that you're on a waitlist for a new therapist next year and that you have plans to continue your journey and start EMDR when you are feeling ready.

It warms my heart to know that my words have helped you feel better after what happened today. Try to enjoy your relaxing evening and absolotly prioritise doing the things that bring you joy! Thinking of you!

I’m really glad you shared this — what you went through today sounds incredibly invalidating, and it makes total sense that you feel shaken. What your support worker said doesn’t erase your lived experience. Your memories, your feelings, and the abuse you survived are real, not “just your perspective.”
You stepped up for your step-mum because you cared and because the situation needed it. That doesn’t make you wrong — it shows your strength and compassion. Anyone would feel confused or hurt if their grief and trauma were dismissed like that.
The fact that this triggered self-harm shows how deeply this hit you, and you don’t deserve to carry that alone. If you’re still feeling unsafe, please reach out to someone you trust or a crisis line.
You’ve survived things no one should have had to, and you’re still trying to make sense of it and heal. That’s resilience. You deserve support that listens, believes you, and doesn’t blame you.

The lovely post above is for you @Kris_stars1

You might be interested too @MatchaToad

Hi @Kris_stars1

I think your support worker was trying to get you to look at what you did for your step mom is a slightly different way. It sounds like she took it too far by shutting you down that way. But you really didn't have to care for step mom. Caring, generous, kind people will see it as 'having to', but realistically... you didn't have to, you made a choice to based on the sort of person you are. It says so much about you and how much of a good person you are. Trust me, not everyone will make the same choice you did. The fact that you don't even see it as a choice, says so much about you. You should be proud of yourself for stepping up and doing what you did. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Just the fact you even question this, shows a level of self-awareness few people share.

I've found that some of the most kind and caring people I've met, experienced a lot of trauma as a child. It makes them question so much, and beings so much pain. But from it comes a level of empathy and kindness that is forged in the fire of trauma. It's rare. I know it must be so difficult, but try not to let anyone take that away from you. Don't let them question yourself, or what happened to you.