Am I finally free?

Hi Dad,

I’m doing well and getting on with my life.

The moment I chose to distance myself from you was when I started therapy and finally understood that, in order to be happy and recover emotionally, I needed to stay away from what was hurting me.

I grew up learning that I had to be afraid of you, that I needed to measure my words, please you, and never be myself. I still have nightmares about separating you from Mum, about her trying to [Moderator Edit] because of you, about you blaming me for a situation of abuse that wasn’t my fault. Instead of trying to understand, everyone blamed me, even I did at one point. But what does a 13-year-old know about pedophilia? I was a victim of abuse, and everyone made me feel it was my fault, that I “should’ve known better” or “respected myself”. How could I have known? How could a 13-year-old girl not be manipulated by an adult predator?

I still dream about you hitting my first dog, Beethoven. When I adopted my own dog this year, I had months of nightmares about that. And no one in your family, except for Aunty X, supported Mum and me after everything you did. I’ll never forget that pain or the loneliness of having to rebuild my life without a single person who had once said they loved me, not even Aunty Y called, sent a message, or checked in to see how I was. I had to keep everything to myself, pretending I was fine, pretending none of it affected me. But I got tired of pretending.

When I realised that I’m an adult woman who doesn’t have to allow someone who’s hurt me since childhood to stay in my life, I gathered every bit of strength I had and walked away. It wasn’t easy. I felt guilty, angry, and so many other things. I even stopped talking to my sister for a year after you sent her a voice message that she passed on to me, knowing full well that I didn’t want contact with you, and that your attempts to reach out trigger my panic attacks and anxiety. Every time you do that, all the trauma comes flooding back, and I have to find even more strength to keep moving forward and continue to heal.

I love you, but I don’t like you. I don’t like your aggression, your homophobia, racism, or sexism. You always wanted me to fit into what you thought was right, but I’ll never be the person you want me to be. And I’ve accepted that you’ll never be the father I wished for. You still think you have rights over me, that you can control me, judge my choices, or give your approval. You don’t have that right. My life belongs to me.

Open your mind, study, travel, live your life, and stop worrying about me. I’m fine, I’m living my life in another country and in my own way. I have the right to do that. And if living my life my way means not having you in it, you need to accept that. Just as I had to accept and endure so many things with you in the past, but now I don’t have to accept anything anymore. I’m finally free. Go and free yourself from me too. Go and live your life however you want.

I don’t want to make you suffer, but having you in my life would make me suffer. Your political choices, your beliefs, your prejudice, your aggression, I don’t want any of that around me anymore.

I’m choosing myself now. I’m prioritising my mental health, my growth, and becoming a better person. To do that, I can’t and won’t have you in my life.

We had some good moments, but your mistakes still bring me nightmares, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I can’t just focus on the good when the bad still affects me. You made mistakes “like anyone else,” but now you need to live with the consequences of those choices. Just because you want contact doesn’t mean I have to give in to what you want, you don’t own me. These are the consequences of years of your actions and decisions. It wasn’t one mistake, it was a lifetime of wrong choices that caused deep pain. And even now, when you try to reach out, it hurts me, especially after I’ve made it clear that I don’t want contact and you keep insisting.

That’s enough. Go and live your life.

Let me live mine in peace.