Supporting my partner

hey @mistystep it's nice to e-meet you!

it's understandable that you'd be worried, it's not easy seeing our loved ones struggling. it's good to know that she's got the GP appointment coming up, could be a good opportunity for her to get some support there too.

i can see that you've mentioned that it's hard to get her to talk during these episodes - i think sometimes even if we can't talk, it can be nice to hear that someone's there for us no matter what - i wonder if there are some ways you can say/show that to her? whether it's keeping her company, bringing her fav meal, offering to watch a comfort movie together, etc. i know that when i've self-isolated due to feeling overwhelmed, i found it hard to talk too - but hearing my friends say that they're there for me whenever i was ready to talk made me feel a bit lighter.

when she is feeling better/able to chat, i would encourage you to have a chat with her and let her know how you feel too. perhaps it can encourage her to get further support and strategies around managing those episodes knowing that it will help you too?

you're doing a good job so far, and i hope you're looking after yourself too 💙

Thanks for your speedy reply @rav3n, nice to e-meet you too.

It's a good point about showing I'm there for her. But it's hard because sometimes when she's like this she just wants to be alone, and she'll refuse any offer of food or drink.

Right now I'm also feeling like I don't want to just sit and be there with her because a) she can be very snappy when she's like this and I don't want to get it in the neck just for trying to help and b) I'm feeling really frustrated and tired. I'm finding it hard to have to do everything around the house on top of everything else.

I think if she and I could just collectively acknowledge that she's really not well, that she does need more support, and that I am going to have to do a lot of looking after her until she's better, I'd feel more ok about it all. But at the moment she's just absent and there's no recognition that things aren't ok.

I will definitely try to talk to her about it all when she's feeling better. I really want her to get more support so hopefully she will agree.

Thank you, I don't feel like I'm doing that well because I'm feeling so worn down. I'm doing pretty well at looking after myself though so that's something.

that sounds tough! you've tried to be physically present and support her, but i can see that her treatment of you can be exhausting - glad you've been looking after yourself and taking a step back as you need @mistystep

how are you both holding up today?

Thanks @rav3n yeah I've been trying to look after myself.

Yesterday was hard. I wanted to ask her about her GP appointment today and what she wants to get out of it, which made her very upset because she felt I was trying to 'medicalise' what's happening. I don't really understand what she meant because usually she's very open with her GP and happy to get support.

We ended up having a long and very difficult conversation about how she is feeling and how it's been affecting me. Which I didn't plan to have at all because I knew it wouldn't go well.

Last night she apologised for making things so hard for me by not talking to me at all, but then she was asking me to apologise and I'm really not sure what I should be apologising for. Apparently she didn't actually want me to give her so much space, but I was only doing it because that's what she's told me she wants before at times like this. It's not natural or easy for me to do that at all.

She said she was sad that I didn't stay at home with her, but I had offered that and she had said no. She said I should have known that she'd want me to really, but I think it's really problematic if we start saying that we should ignore what each other actually says.

it might not have been the perfect conversation, but it definitely sounds like a start! @mistystep i'm glad you were able to share your thoughts and feelings with her, sounds like she's starting to understand the impact it has on you.

i do agree with you, i don't think it's fair for her to expect you to stay/keep her company if she's communicated the opposite and also been snappy with you in the past. at the same time, i am guilty of having communicated like that in the past and it took me time to learn how poor that communication style was. hopefully in the next discussion you both have, you can both talk about how important honest communication is and find something that works for you both 😊

Thanks @rav3n and sorry for never replying to your last message. Things are generally better, although we're still both having some struggles. It's hard to find time to talk things through properly when life is busy and complex. I want us to keep trying to learn to communicate better, but it's definitely a challenge. Thanks for your support.

no apologies needed 😊 @mistystep it's lovely to hear back from you, and i'm glad to hear things are getting better. it's understandable that finding the time can be hard, but the fact that you're willing to try means a lot too. feel free to pop in any time with updates (but also, there's absolutely no pressure to respond!!)

take care 💙