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How to leave someone who is suffering

JustWhelmedSenior Contributor02 Oct 2025, 12:05 pm AEST

How to leave someone who is suffering

Trigger warning: mention of someone un-aliving themselves

TLDR: I need to leave my partner of 7 years as their mental health struggles are destroying my own health, but I am so worried she will end her life.

My trans wife and I have been together 7 years. We are in our mid 40's. She is autistic, has ADHD, CPTSD, and a history of self harm/attempts. She has a psychologist and a great GP, and as much support as we can muster; she basically needs to be reparented. She has two sons, both autistic, one who lives with us full time and the other still under his mothers abusive spell unfortunately. I am the rock in their lives in that I am accountable, reliable, consistent and push my wife to parent them. It is exhausting.

I am burnt out beyond belief and having heart issues. Every time some new drama unfolds, I just feel dead inside. I am medicated for stress and depression, along with life long chronic illness. I just can't do this any more, as much as I want to.

I want her to be OK, and love her in many ways, and am devastated at the thought of losing my step sons, but it is at the expense of my own health. I have two teenage kids who need their mum.

I have recently realised I can JUST afford to leave (so long as well sell our house, our dream home), and I need to work towards that.

My biggest concern is that she will attempt to end her life. She has just lost her job, and we are in family court, so now is clearly not the time, but I can't put it off forever. I feel terrible that I will have to live a lie for the next 12-18 months, but I am hoping she can get into a better headspace somehow and survive another divorce.

So I am wondering if anyone has any advice, or has been through similar circumstances? There never seems to be a time when things are "settled" that I would feel confident leaving to be honest.

5 replies

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In response to: How to leave someone who is suffering

Ru-beeModerator02 Oct 2025, 1:20 pm AEST

Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

Hi @JustWhelmed

I'm not sure that I have any answers for you, but I did just want to validate your decision to leave and care for yourself. It is such a difficult one to make and it's very clear that this isn't one that you're making lightly - Even your willingness to stay until your partner is in a better position shows how deeply you care, however we do all have our limits and I hear that you've reached yours.

Hoping that the community can provide you with some more guidance here, I'm sure that you are not the first one here on the forums who has been in this supremely hard position.

In the time being, do you have any supports that you have been able to lean on throughout this?

In response to: Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

JustWhelmedSenior Contributor02 Oct 2025, 2:18 pm AEST

Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

Thanks RuBee. I haven't really discussed it with anyone but my bestie, and she doesn't know (yet!) that I am 99% decided now.

I have booked some support from SANE, and I have great family and work supports when needed.

The hardest part is going to be waiting for the "best" time

In response to: Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

Ru-beeModerator02 Oct 2025, 2:24 pm AEST

Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

Glad that you've booked in with SANE and that you have those supports that are there when you need then @JustWhelmed

I hear you, there's very really a good time to end a relationship, though I understand you wanting to wait for a better time than right now. What would a better time look like to you?

In response to: Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

JustWhelmedSenior Contributor03 Oct 2025, 9:32 am AEST

Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

@Ru-bee the safest time would be when she is feeling "OK", in my experience, those times are so few and far between. Her trauma is so complex and entrenched, her immediate reaction to bad news is fairly volatile (not towards me/anyone, just herself/her actions).

I know it is not my fault, and if she hurt herself it wouldn't be my fault, but it would be devastating for the world to lose an amazing mind like hers, and for my step sons to lose their best advocate.

In response to: Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

TunedInModerator03 Oct 2025, 9:51 am AEST

Re: How to leave someone who is suffering

Hi @JustWhelmed

I hear you when you say that the times she's feeling fine are few and far between. And whilst you know you wouldn't be responsible if she hurt herself, it's understandable this is weighing on your mind.

I can see in this thread you have supports in place - which is wonderful🌟! I did also want to recommend the Suicide Call Back Service - where you can call if you are ever worried about someone who is at risk.

TunedIn🐧

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